


i've been holding onto you for so long (now i must let go)

by BookLover86



Series: these flowers bloomed from tears and blood [1]
Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood and Gore, Emotional Hurt, Family, Feels, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Major Illness, Sad, Sickness, Unrequited Love, jae needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2019-11-12 03:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18003326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookLover86/pseuds/BookLover86
Summary: They never tell you how easy it is to fall. It’s not his fault, though, because it’s really easy. Really fucking easy. So easy that Jae has no problem doing it until he realizes that it’s done. Until it's too late.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own, nor do I claim ownership of any of these characters, settings, names, etc. Title is from "Letting Go" by DAY6.

They never tell you how easy it is to fall. The health classes wax poetic about how dangerous this disease is, how there are few ways to cure it, and only one warrants a “happy ending.” They instill fear from a young age, teaching how to avoid falling in love for fear of waking up one day with cottonmouth and petals in your throat. 

Jae attended all the same lessons everyone else did; he knows what a serious health risk the disease can be, and he knows that no smart person would even risk the chance. Unfortunately, Jae has never been praised for his intelligence. It’s not his fault, though, because it’s really easy to fall. Really fucking easy. So easy that Jae has no problem doing it until he realizes that it’s done. 

Is that good or bad? He can’t remember anymore. All he knows now is that he has two options: get the surgery and forget _him,_ which in turn, ruins the lives of the people he’s closest to; or, stay quiet. Hope he’s a miracle child and it cures on its own (it won’t—Jae knows this very, very well).  He chooses the latter and continues living his life. 

Can he do that? Can he say that he’s “living his life” when he knows very well that he’s killing himself with every breath he steals from the world? Can he truly say that this state of being—this, this feeling of hopelessness—is even living? Is “living” defined as simply breathing or as something more, working towards making something of the breaths you take? 

These are the kinds of questions he busies himself with, desperate to forget every other situation around him, _especially_ when it involves him and a garden in the toilet. He does anything and everything he can to forget, but in end, he can’t escape. He dug himself into a pit that he has no intention of ever getting out of.

 

* * *

 

It first hits Jae when he’s alone—thank God. He’s curled up in a corner of the Day6 dorm with his guitar, plucking strings at random. Everyone else had gone out for dinner to enjoy the city, but Jae stuck behind due to chest pain. Younghyun had been the only one to look uncertain, pulling him aside to talk to him one-on-one. 

“Are you sure you’re doing okay, Jae?” Younghyun looked so authentic, so genuine.

Jae’s chest throbbed once, twice, each time getting stronger and more painful. “I promise, Bribri. It’s nothing that a good night’s sleep won’t fix. Stop worrying so much.”

“You know me. I’ll always worry about you.” 

Something deep within Jae broke, pieces lodging into the wall of his chest and back. “I know, and I appreciate it, but I’m really okay, bro. Go; you guys can survive one night without my perfect face.” 

Younghyun rolled his eyes, a smile inching onto his face. He refused to leave until Jae promised to give him a call if he felt worse. Obviously, Jae wouldn’t call Younghyun even if he was throwing up his spleen. After everyone left, he grabbed a notebook and his guitar, determined to take his mind off of the pain in his chest. 

That’s where he’s been for the past hour or two, in a corner, attempting to test out chord progressions or riffs that might be usable for a song in the future. Unfortunately, all he’s been able to come up with is garbage. His heart isn’t into it, but he needs something to help pass the time, hence why he’s determined on apparently making his fingers bleed. His fingers weren’t actually bleeding—he had left willingly slicing his fingers open back in his trainee days. Callouses are truly a guitarist’s best friend. Better a friend than someone who crosses the invisible boundaries the world has set. 

That’s when the coughing begins. Jae starts coughing and he can’t stop. His chest heaves as he sets his guitar down, sticking his mouth in the crook of his elbow to try and contain anything he might cough up. The coughs are dry, ripping from his chest in the most painful way possible. Or, maybe, the pain is contributed by the petal that falls from his chapped lips, slowly floating down onto his lap. It’s a dark blue color, similar to the way the ocean looks in midday.

Jae isn’t surprised—he knew it was a long-time coming. It had only been a mater of _when,_ not of _if,_ but it still hurt like hell. He picks up the petal off his lap, holding it gently between his forefinger and thumb. It’s pretty, delicate, soft. 

It's his death certificate.

He’s known it from the very second his cough began, ever since he felt a lone petal crawl its way up into his mouth. He knows that he will never be able to be rid of the petals. Getting rid of the petals means getting rid of all of his feelings and memories of the person who watered whatever has taken root in him. While he can’t feel them yet, he knows there are thorns slowly growing in his chest, petals blooming in a bloody garden, roots replacing his veins. 

This…thing forming inside of him…it’s horrid, truly awful; something to be feared, not celebrated. Jae can handle a lot, can fake a lot, but he’s not immune to basically being told he now has a time limit. 

His guitar skids to the side; his face ends up in his hands. His lips taste of copper and salt, heartbroken sobs echoing throughout the empty room. And oh how heartbroken they were. Maybe it’s not accurate to call it “heartbreak,” seeing as his heart is no longer flesh and blood, but thorns and petals, a pocket of velvet he earned from the sins he committed. Jae fell in love, but nobody is around to pick him up.

 

* * *

 

Jae doesn’t tell anyone. Of course he doesn’t. If any of the other members were to find out, they would tell him to get the surgery, to remove the flowers. They wouldn’t understand why Jae can’t, why he’s made the choice to ride the wave until he eventually wipes out, and he can’t tell them. He can’t tell them that he fell in love with the wrong person. 

Logically, Jae knows they would never blame him for his feelings, but that small corner in his mind—the one were all of his darker, more intrusive thoughts lie—tells him that they’ll hate him, curse his name if they ever found out exactly who gave Jae the petals. Yet it wasn’t the person who _gave_ Jae the petals in his chest, but Jae who took them for himself. It’s his fault, his problem to deal with. 

So, he deals. He puts on a smile, eats three meals a day, gets as much sleep as their schedule allows them to. He writes songs, practices his vocals, helps to mix tracks. He goes all out during their promotions, hyping up the other members during music video shoots and long-night recording sessions. “I Smile” is released, along with their first full album, and the group is immediately promoting with concerts and interview. Once that dies down, they're onto the next tracks, the next album. When one area lilts, another one picks up, and they are constantly busy. One hectic, chaotic month passes, and no one finds out. 

To be fair, Jae expected this. When he researched what the disease entailed exactly, he’d been given a detailed list.  Symptoms include: chest pain, headaches, dizziness, sore throat, vomiting (blood, petals, and eventually, flowers). Check on all of them, save for the blood and full flowers. Those will come eventually. 

Even with the thousands of studies that exist, there are only three known ways for the infection to be “cured.” The first way is the most desirable—the object of unrequited affection will return the patient’s feelings in a romantic sense—but it is also the hardest to achieve. The second way is the most common and convenient option—undergo surgery to remove the budding flowers in the chest. However, if the surgery takes place, then all feelings for the object of unrequited affection will be removed, whether platonic or romantic, and all memories of said object will disappear. The last and final way, is to simply ride out the disease until the patient dies. 

There are three stages to the infection. Stage one, where the milder symptoms make their presence known, and few petals are coughed up. It’s the longest, lasting anywhere from one month to one year, varying on the degree of love and the amount of stress the patient is under. It is safe to receive surgery during stage one. 

Stage two has the number of petals being coughed up increasing, even venturing into full flowers. Thorns will start to scratch the throat at the end of this stage, and it will be common for blood to accompany the petals. Stage two will last approximately half the amount of time that stage one did, depending on the case of the patient. It is still safe to receive surgery during stage two, although the risk of complications rises to forty-seven percent. 

Stage three, the final one, is where those affected will cough up full flowers. It is characterized by a swift downfall in the health of the patient. They won’t be able to keep anything down besides most liquids (i.e. water, broth, etc.), and they often lose the ability to talk for days due to the constant coughing and vomiting. Flowers will clog up the throat, and thorns will shred it. Near the end of stage three, roots that had grown will begin to infiltrate some vital organs, specifically the lungs and heart. 

Once a patient reaches this stage, surgery is no longer viable due to the insurmountable risk associated with it. Surgery might still be performed under emergency circumstances, but it will be refused to the general public. Stage three almost certainly ends in the death of the patient, most commonly through heart failure or choking to death on the petals and flowers in the throat. 

Jae is still in stage one, so he figures he has up to six months until he needs to start thinking of how to tell the rest of the members. Six months until he has to face the fact that his world, his life, is falling apart. 


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen to "colors" by day6 during this chapter for maximum effect
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: vomiting, blood, gore. if any of these affect you negatively, please do not read this story. take care of yourself first and foremost.

Jae doesn’t get six months. Logically, he knows that this is the cause of all the stress from being an idol—writing songs, practices, concerts, TV appearances, etc. He barely gets sleep as is, and a full stomach at the end of the day is a blessing in and of itself. He knew that a body under immense stress, one not being taken care of to its fullest, typically has an accelerated timeline, but he didn’t want to believe it.  He wants more time—he _needs_ more time. 

Unfortunately, all he gets is a sink full of petals and blood after two months. It’s the most petals he’s ever coughed up, and the attack had gone on for a full minute. Luckily, everyone else is still asleep, trying to get as much rest as possible for they film their next music video. It’s one that Jae wrote the lyrics to, after a particularly difficult day. 

He had been stressed and the fear of the unknown, of the flowers in his chest, urged him to record the thoughts in his mind. One thing led to another, and “What Can I Do” was chosen to be put on their “Every Day6” project. Jae is honestly terrified for the shoot. At the very least, the song is one of his tamer ones. He’s saving a couple of others to give them after it’s too late, but right now, he needs to tackle the hurdle in front of him. 

He scoops the petals into the toilet, flushing all the solid evidence away before taking to scrubbing the sink until his fingers are raw. There is no trace of blood or flowers, yet Jae still feels on edge. It feels like everyone figured him out already, like he’s the only person who still believes it’s a secret. Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before they do.

 

* * *

  

“Are you feeling okay?” 

Jae lifts his head from his guitar to stare at Younghyun, who sits down next to him.  “Yeah. Why?” 

Younghyun bumps his shoulder against Jae’s. “You’ve just been really quiet for the past couple of days. I’m not used to it.” 

Jae shrugs, fingers scrambling uselessly against his strings. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.” 

“Penny for your thoughts?” 

Jae turns, stares. Younghyun’s eyes are bright, a playful smile on his lips as he tilts his head. Seeing him so carefree, so loose and open, hurts more than it should. 

“Did you know that blue roses are a symbol for something unattainable?” 

The shine in Younghyun’s eyes dims, but he chuckles lightly. “Is that so? And how do you know this?” 

“Research,” Jae says. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the full truth either. “I went down a rabbit hole on YouTube last night and ended up on videos covering the in-depth meaning of flowers and their colors. Blue roses stuck out to me. Giving them to someone is basically like telling them, ‘I love you, but I know that I can’t have you.’ It’s kinda ironic, when you think about it. Roses are like the stereotypical symbol of love, yet once you color them blue, they turn into a message of regret and secrecy.” 

“Huh.” Younghyun hums, swinging his legs. “That’s actually really interesting. Didn’t know flowers had their own secret language. Kinda badass, to be honest.”  Jae laughs, honestly laughs. Younghyun can do that to him—turn his feelings upside down and make his sadness into joy.

“Yeah.” Jae sticks his hand in the pocket of his jacket, fingers tightening around the handful of soft blue petals he’d coughed up earlier. “Kinda badass.”

  

* * *

 

Jae loves concerts; he really does. Getting to see all of the fans screaming along to songs he helped to write, all of the members laughing and acting goofy with each other, expending all of his available energy by jumping around and playing his guitar. He loves concerts, but recently? He’s been dreading them.

He has so little energy to spend anymore—the disease just saps his strength every time he throws up another mouthful of petals—and his throat is constantly sore from just how many times he’s had to empty the contents of his stomach. He passes it off as drainage or the offset of a cold when his managers and members start asking, although Wonpil and Sungjin never seem to believe him.

His members have been treating him gingerly the past couple of weeks, right after Jae finally let himself break down and admit how weak he’d been feeling. Dowoon brings him hot chocolate and tea when they have late-night practices. Wonpil cuddles up next to him under a pile of blankets during movie nights, or really, any chance he can get. Sungjin calls for frequent breaks when they rehearse, a knowing gaze always directed towards Jae. Younghyun is the one to make sure he still gets sleep at night, helping him to brush his teeth and wash his face, confirming that Jae ends up in his bed rather than on the couch or floor.

No one knows the true cause of Jae’s newly-weakened state, and he wants to keep it that way for as long as he can. However, concerts make it hard. He’d taken to filling the pockets of his jeans and jacket with the petals that fill his mouth throughout the night. A couple of times, he’s swallowed them back down. Thankfully, they always burn more coming up than going down.

Unfortunately, tonight is going to be difficult. They’re promoting their latest songs—“I Loved You” and “I’ll Remember,” both subtle nods to Jae’s dirty little secret, so it’s already difficult for him to perform. It’s a big crowd, yet a tight stage. Part of the stage spontaneously collapsed during a previous performance, so the back half is quarantined off for safety. The company has assured them that the remainder of the stage is perfectly safe, so they continued with their schedule.

There’s really no time for Jae to hide petals away in his pockets, so he drinks a lot of water and swallows whatever comes up with a smile. Their set-list is almost done, and Jae couldn’t be more thankful. The stage lights are beating down on all of them, making them sweat under the layers of clothing and makeup they’d been wrestled into. Dowoon keeps pulling at his choker, Wonpil rolled up his sleeves, Sungjin unbuttoned half of his outer shirt and shirked his hat, and Younghyun ditched his jacket. Jae is just as uncomfortable, sweat dripping down his back, knees close to buckling beneath his weight.

All he needs to do is make it through the last fifteen minutes.

Sungjin gets the attention of all the members before he nods, cuing the beginning notes for _Colors_. Jae strums his chords habitually, mind drifting before Younghyun’s voice pulls him back to the present. He turns his head, stealing a look.

Younghyun has his eyes closed, lips close to the mic as he sings his part softly, meaningfully, hands still moving against his bass. The spotlight on him catches on his newly-bleached hair, face glowing in the midst of the fans’ cries and the music flowing behind him. He’s ethereal, and Jae almost misses his part as Wonpil’s voice cuts into his mind.

 

_i can’t see anything_

_i can’t feel anything_

 

Jae approaches the microphone with shaky steps, legs still unsure about whether or not they can support his weight fully. He begins to sing; surprisingly, his voice is barely steady and smooth. It’s almost a miracle, really. No petals had come up for around ten minutes.

That’s when his body decides that now, while he’s singing in front of thousands of people, is a good time to reveal what he'd been hiding. Jae can feel them climb, can feel them tickle and caress his tonsils, but it’s not just petals anymore. Thorns accompany the deconstructed flowers. There are scratches at the back of his throat, a sharp pain registering in his mind. His hands fall from his guitar, fingers numb and twitching.

He should’ve known that the disease wouldn’t let him be happy for long.

He should’ve known it would all go to shit.

 

_the colors of you that i see from time to time_

_it raises me up because_

_you’re the only one with your own color_

 

As soon as the last words leave Jae’s mouth, his throat tightens and his stomach convulses. He doubles over, knees and hands hitting the stage, his guitar caught in the crossfire as the petals and blood fill his mouth. For a split second, he attempts to swallow them down, to continue hiding and not let anyone know what’s wrong with him. No one can know about the pit of sin he’s dug himself into; this is his punishment and his alone. Teeth dig into his lips, gags muffled by his pursed lips. 

It doesn’t work. 

The last shred of self-control he held in his body dissipates as a particularly sharp thorn digs its way into the muscle of his throat—and the floodgates break loose. Jae coughs and coughs, hacking up mouthful after mouthful of soft petals, all colored the same vivid blue, and bits of vines that tear open his throat on their way out. Some of the petals are soaked in blood. 

His arms aren’t strong enough to keep his body upright, causing him to collapse onto the stage, the ground ice-cold against his overheated skin. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he can hear the fact that the music has stopped, can hear that people are screaming all around him, but in the very back of his mind, the lyrics and music continue, as if they never halted in the first place, as if they were the only thing filling the silence.

 

_i try holding out my hand_

_to catch you_

_but you get farther away_

 

There are hands and arms around him, people talking in his ears. The weight of his guitar lifts off his body, and there's someone untangling his mic pack from his pockets and ears. Jae thinks that petals might still be coming out of his mouth, but he isn’t sure. He isn’t sure about anything anymore. What feels like hundreds of hands are touching him, stroking his hair, checking his pulse, holding his head still. Cold fingers force his right eye open and something bright overtakes his vision. He groans and tries to turn away, head thrashing in the grip of whoever is holding him down. 

“It’s okay,” someone says, warm breath fanning over his ear. Whoever it is, they sound as if they’re on the verge of tears. “It’s gonna be okay, Jae-hyung. You’re gonna be okay.” 

 

_hold out your hand_

_color me like that red sunset_

_so i won’t lose myself_

 

Jae tries to open his eyes, tries to move on his own. All things considered, he’s not surprised when he can’t really do either. Strong arms lift him up, as if he was nothing more than a sack of potatoes, and set him down on what he guesses to be a gurney. They begin moving and Jae quickly loses track of where he is. Cold air hits his bare arms and he whimpers. He didn’t even realize that they took his jacket off. People are still shouting around him, and the gurney bumps every so often. Every time he jostles around, threads of pain rip through his chest.

Gloved hands raise his head in order for someone to fit something onto his face: a plastic, molded mask over his nose and mouth, connected to a thick tube that has to slither its way down his esophagus. The only reason he actually knows what is put on his face is because of the research he did once he coughed up that first petal. The mask is a special invention, designed specifically for people who had his…infection. The tube acts as a way to vacuum up spare petals and flowers so that no further internal damage is caused.

Somewhere, in the distance, Jae can hear familiar voices. “Ca—ride wi—im? Please—family.” That has to be Sungjin, what fews words Jae could make out being laced with concern. Jae would grin if he had any control over his facial features. His leader is still taking care of him, even after all of the shit he’s caused.

He doesn’t hear the response as he’s lifted into the back of what couldn’t be anything but an ambulance. A whine bubbles in his throat, blood trickling out of the side of his mouth as he tries to voice his disapproval for his members not joining him. The only way he’s placated is when multiple hands rest on his arms and legs. A soft hand wipes at the collection of petals on his chin and lips, rubbing a calloused thumb over his cheekbone.

“—ere, hyung.” That’s Wonpil, soft and on the edge of breaking. “We’re here.”

 

_colors, colors_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i finished this chapter early and really wanted to post it, but i'm trying really hard to actually stick to a plan for once in my life, and it's technically monday rn, so. come yell at me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/book-lover860) if you want to


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry in advance

The next time Jae wakes up, he’s resting in a bed that’s far too stiff to be at his dorm. There’s muffled sounds of beeping coming from all around him. The sharp smell of medicines and disinfectant prevalent. Something is stuck down his throat—whatever is is being large seeing as it hurts like a knife wound and prevents him from speaking. He pries open his eyes, a crust of tears and sleep having formed while he was out. Bright lights assault his eyes, forcing him to blink repeatedly before the spots fade enough for him to make out his room. 

No roommate—his company probably insisted. There’s an uncomfortable looking couch boarding one side of the room and a couple of chairs dotted around. Large machines flank his bed. The sheets and blankets aren’t pulled up enough to cover the IV sticking out of his inner elbow, and, of course, the other four members are scattered around. 

Dowoon and Sungjin took the couch, Wonpil curled up in a ball in the corner of the room on a chair, and Younghyun had fallen asleep in the chair right next to Jae’s bedside, head pillowed next to Jae's arm. His members are still in their concert clothes, paper coffee cups lining the windowsill. Bodyguards are stationed outside of his door. He can see them through the small window. 

So many people who are still trying to love and protect someone who has a death warrant.

Jae’s limbs are still numb, the anesthesia they had him under slowly wearing off, but he regains enough mobility to shift around, trying to wake Younghyun. While the sleeping medication is in the process of fading, the pain medication has already faded, and Jae’s throat hurts desperately. He can feel the dryness, as if something had been sucking all of the moisture out of his esophagus. It only takes one good nudge to get Younghyun to shift in his sleep. He groans and sits up, rubbing his eyes. Once he focuses on who woke him up, his eyes go wide. 

“Jae.” His voice is scratchy, like he’d been screaming rather than singing. Jae attempts to smile, but his lips are still stretched around the tube in his throat.  Younghyun lunges for the other members, slapping arms and chests. 

“Guys, Jae’s awake.”  Once all of the other members have had their fair share of groaning and stretching, they line up beside Jae’s bed. 

“How are you feeling, hyung?” Sungjin asks. His eyes glitter with the worry that Jae has come to associate being a leader with. 

With his mind still fuzzy, it’s easy to forget that he can’t exactly respond, what with this giant tube in his mouth. A tube, leading to a bag hung on a stand next to his bed. A bag which is halfway-full of petals, all different shades of blue, all decorated with blood. 

Wonpil follows his gaze to the bag. “They put the tube in because they had to put you under. Standard procedure for Hanahaki patients. They didn’t want you to choke on the petals or flowers as you slept.” 

Jae feels shame burn his cheeks, guilt rising in his stomach. They know. They all know his dirty little secret. They know he’s done the stupidest thing he could’ve ever done—falling in love with the wrong person—and they know he’s ruined all of their lives. 

“Hey, hey, don’t cry.” Warm hands come up to brush at his cheeks, wiping away tears Jae didn’t even know had started to fall. Younghyun gives him a weary smile, limp hair falling on his forehead, remnants of makeup still evident on his face.  “It’s okay, Jae. Since you’re awake now, we can call the nurse to take the tube out. It’s okay, hyung. You don’t need to cry.” 

As Younghyun calms Jae down, Sungjin rings the nurse. Someone grabs at Jae’s left hand, squeezing tightly. He turns to face Dowoon, where the maknae has gives him a weak grin, eyes shiny with unshed tears. There is so much Jae wants to say, but can’t. Not until they take this damn tube out of his throat. 

It’s another minute before a nurse wearing a cheerful smile sweeps into the room. Everything about her is neat. Her hair is uniform, her fingernails are cleanly cut, and her outfit has no wrinkles in it. She’s almost scary with how put-together she appears. 

“Hello, sweetie.” Her voice is louder than Jae expected, definitely tinged with a dialect, although Jae isn’t sure which one. “I’m here to take that nasty tube outta your throat. Does that sound okay?” 

Jae tries to nod, but his head is too heavy, too fuzzy. He makes this pathetic-sounding noise in the back of his throat, fingers tightening around Dowoon’s grip. 

Dowoon shoots a look at Jae before nodding and facing the nurse.“Yes, it’s okay.” 

The nurse nods and begins to hum as she sweeps around the room. “As sweet as it is to see y’all comforting him, Imma need y’all to step back for a bit while I take this thing out.” 

All of the members look reluctant to leave, untangling themselves from Jae's limbs and lining up along the wall a few feet away. Jae whines, shaking his head and shoulders in distaste. Yes, he’s acting like a child, but he feels like he deserves to, just right now. He can blame it on the medicine later. 

“I know you want your friends back,” the nurse murmurs next to him, “but I can't take the tube out if they're hovering like overprotective parents. Speaking of which,” she raises her voice, directing it to the other four members, “are his going to be coming in anytime soon?”  As she talks, she’s washing her hands and grabbing for a pair of latex gloves. Jae watches as the members start to shift uncomfortably. 

“Uh, his parents are in America,” Sungjin says, rubbing the back of his neck. “Our company has the legal permission to make the decisions regarding his health, and as his leader, I have been given that responsibility.” 

“Alrighty then.” The nurse hums in back of her throat, turning off the pump that is attached to the tube, which Jae didn't even see in the first place. One of the beeping sounds dissipates, and Jae’s chest stop feeling like it's full of cotton-balls. 

“Now, hold still for me sweetie,” the nurse murmurs. “This is going to hurt just a little bit.” Jae clenches the sheets between his shaky fingers. She takes ahold of the tube right outside of his lips, and began to pull. 

Now, it didn’t hurt “just a little bit.” It hurt just a fucking lotta bit. 

His throat was already dry, so even though the plastic probably went down easily, it isn’t coming up as such. The plastic drags against the cuts in his throat, even opening some of them up. Jae screams as the nurse continues to pull until the tube is finally free. There are blood streaks, with petals and mucus still on the inside. His throat feels empty and raw now that the tube is gone. Tears leak out of his eyes, his hands flying to rub at his throat as he coughs. He can see Younghyun with a hand on Wonpil’s shoulder, presumably holding him back from running to Jae’s bedside. 

The nurse sets the tube onto the IV stand, pushing it out of the way as she begins to walk out of the room. “I’ll be back with some ice chips, okay honey? I’m sure that there were some cuts that were opened up when the tube came out, so if you need to cough, there’s a box of tissues on the counter that one of your friends can grab for you. That way you don't get blood all over yourself. Does that sound okay?” 

Jae nods weakly, still rubbing at his throat, which felt even worse than when the thorns came up. The nurse leaves the room, leaving the five members alone, this time, with Jae being able to actually speak. He doesn’t, though; he's too scared to. Silence engulfs the room. Everyone is staring at Jae as if he'll disappear if they blink. 

The nurse comes back with a cup of ice chips, handing it to Jae with a smile. “Here you go. Now do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?” 

Jae picks up an ice chip and puts it on his tongue, almost moaning as the chip melts and water soothes his esophagus. His throat still hurts like hell, so he isn't actually sure if he _can_ respond. 

"Sure.” Yeah, his voice is fucking shot. Oh well. 

"Okay. What is your full Korean name?” 

"Park Jaehyung.”

“Date of birth?” 

“September 15, 1992.” 

"What is the month and the year?” 

“September 2017.” 

“Do you remember what you were doing before you came here?" 

“I was performing with my band members.” 

"What is the name of your band?" 

"Day6." 

“There seems to be no immediate brain damage, which is definitely good news for you. The doctor will be in here in a little bit to check you out fully, just to make sure there's further damage to your lungs or throat, but," the nurse winks at Jae, "I can stall for a bit to give y'all some time to talk.” 

"Thank you,” Jae croaks. She ruffles his hair before exiting the room again.

“How are you feeling, hyung?” Dowoon is the one who speaks. 

Jae laughs a little. “I’ve been better, that's for fucking sure. My throat hurts like hell and my head is still pretty fuzzy, but I’m alive.” 

“For how long?” Younghyun this time, bitterness falling from his lips. Jae should’ve expected this, but it still hurts like a punch to the gut. 

Wonpil slaps Younghyun’s head. “We promised not to get into this now.” 

“No, no.” Jae leans against his forearms, weakly pushing himself into a better sitting position. His joints scream and his back aches. “He’s right, Pilie. We need to talk. You…you guys should sit down.” 

Everyone except for Younghyun does. The latter stays standing, arms crossed and closed off. Jae can see the glare Sungjin is drilling into the bassist’s head. 

“So, I’ve got Hanahaki disease. That much is pretty obvious. Is there anything else you guys want to know?” 

“How long have you known?” Dowoon asks. 

“Since June.” 

“Jesus, Jae,” Sungjin breathes. “Why didn't you tell us?” 

Jae forces a smile. “Because you guys would’ve have made me get the surgery.” 

"Damn right, we would have,” Younghyun spits, “because then we wouldn't be here, and the entire world wouldn't know about your _dirty little secret.”_

Jae looks down at his hands. “News spread that fast, huh?” 

Wonpil sighs. “Yeah. You’re still trending on Twitter. Everyone wants answers…including us.” 

“The doctor told us that it's not too late,” Sungjin says softly. “You can still have them removed.” 

Jae nods, letting silence slip back into the space. It’s a while before he opens his mouth again. "I'm not getting the surgery.” 

Sungjin reels back as if he’s been slapped. “What? Why not?” 

“Because I don’t want to lose my memories, my feelings for this person. They’re too important." 

“No, they’re not." Younghyun walks over, puts his hands on the railing of Jae's bed. “There is _no one_ in this world who deserves your tears and pain if they don't feel the same way. You can’t kill yourself for someone who will never love you.” 

Jae tries not to cry, but it’s futile. He can already feel the tears slip down his cheeks, warm tracks quickly drying in the cool hospital air. “Guess what? I can, and I will.” 

Younghyun slams his hands down, shaking the bed. "Dammit, Jae! Why are you being so fucking selfish?” In the distance, Dowoon sucks in a breath. 

“Selfish?” Jae can barely hear his own voice. _“I’m_ selfish?” 

“You’re making all of these decisions without even considering the group, the fans. You’re only thinking of yourself."

“I’m fucking dying!” Something inside Jae snaps. “I am fucking dying right now, and you think I’m only thinking of myself? News flash: I’m the last person I’ve thought of since I coughed up that first damn petal. I torture myself every fucking day thinking of the band. I know that I'm wrecking all of the hard work you guys have put in, and I know I'm going to be the reason that Day6 doesn’t go any further. Who wants to support a group where a member has Hanahaki, right?

"When I'm not thinking of how much my shitty choices are going to ruin you guys, I’m thinking of _him._ He’s the reason I don't get any fucking sleep anymore. He's the reason why I'm in this damn hospital in the first place. He made me fall in love with him, and now I'm sitting here, fucking flowers growing in my chest and sucking the life out of me. I am dying because I’m in love with him, and I can’t blame him for it. I can only blame myself.”

A coughing fit cuts Jae off from whatever he was going to say next. Sungjin shoves the box of tissues at him and Jae reaches for one almost immediately. When he pulls it away from his mouth, it’s covered with blood and bits of petals. A couple of complete ones had landed his lap.

“Him?” Younghyun whispers. Jae looks up, catching the younger’s confused gaze and unsteady arms.

Jae crumples the tissue, hands shaking with rage and grief. “Yes, him. On top of all the shit I did, the person I'm in love with has a dick.”

His attempt at a joke falls flat, prompting him to look down at the bed again. “All of this is my fault, which is why I'm not getting the surgery. This is my punishment. I deserve this. I deserve to die."

Wonpil lets out a sound akin to a choking cat before draping himself over Jae. Jae puts a hand between his shoulder-blades, feels how the younger is trembling.

“You do not deserve to die,” Sungjin says. His eyebrows are furrowed and his lips are pursed. “Don't you ever fucking say that again."

Jae can tell that his eyes are cold, listless. “I’m not going to lie, Sungjin-ah. I know that I was given this for a reason. I’m supposed to die with petals in my lungs. This is the punishment for my sins.”

“Sins?” Wonpil asks.

Jae’s grin is self-deprecating, anything but warm. “I fell in love with the wrong person, and I’m paying the price for it with my life. I think that's pretty fair."

“It's  _not_  fair _,_  hyung," Dowoon spits. _"None_ of this is fair."

“You’re right,” Jae murmurs, "but life isn’t meant to be fair, is it? Life is meant to hurt. If you don't hurt, then are you truly living?”

No one answers him. Jae doesn't expect them to.

 

* * *

 

"Why didn't you tell us?"

Jae pulls the phone away from his ear, hands shaking as he presses the speaker button and lays his phone down on his blanketed lap. "I didn't want to worry you, mom."

His mom huffs, thousands of miles away in the early morning while the sun sets outside of Jae's window. "This isn't some throwaway cough or cold, Jae. This is Hanahaki. This is a matter of life or death."

"I know, mom."

"Then why aren't you taking it seriously?" She sounds angry, and rightfully so. "You are dying, Jae! You're killing yourself, and for what? Some girl who doesn't love you back? I'd rather your heart be broken than silent."

Jae doesn't speak for a while, playing with the threads of his blanket. He can hear his mom grumbling lightly, the sound of footsteps in the background. She always paces when she's upset.

"I'm sorry, mom," Jae whispers, "but I'm not going to get the surgery.

"I know you are," she sighs, "and I didn't think you would."

Silence fills the space until either one of them are ready to talk again.

"Do you know how far along you are?"

"You make it sound like I'm pregnant." His joke isn't in the best of taste, but his default has always been humor.

"Jae."

"Stage two. Probably around the middle of it, really."

"How long do the doctors think you have?"

Jae smiles bitterly, silently thanking some deity that his mom couldn't see him. "They gave me a couple of months. They're not sure, really, 'cause my life is pretty stressful, but they're told me I'm definitely not making it to the new year. Unless I got the surgery."

"Which you won't do." His mom's voice is sharp, accusing, wounded by the knowledge that her son is willing to die for someone who doesn't love him the way that he loves them.

"No, I won't."

"Who is it?"

Jae swallows, the taste of copper still residing in his mouth. "You know who it is, mom."

"I guess I do." She sounds like she's a decade older from when they started talking. "We're going to visit you in a couple of weeks. All of us. We won't be able to stay long, but—"

"It's okay." Jae can feel the beginning of tears coming on again. "It's perfect, mom. I really want to see you guys."

His mom sniffs loudly. "It's late in Korea, isn't it? You need rest."

"Okay," Jae breathes. "Goodbye. I love you."

"I love you, too. I love you so, so much, Jae."

Jae pressed the button to hang up. He doesn't want his mom to hear him cry.

 

* * *

 

Once he gets out of the hospital, Jae starts to go downhill quickly. 

The new dorms they got recently are very nice, but Jae’s bedroom is on the second floor. When they moved in, he requested it specifically for the view. He has one window, although it takes up nearly half of a wall. The view it presents over the city is gorgeous, and Jae often finds himself staring out at the hundreds of lights in the middle of the night when he needs inspiration. 

However, because of his condition, he can’t handle going up and down the stairs multiple times a day. He denied needing help for the first week, determined to use the stairs alone. He might be dying, but he wasn’t going to lose his dignity over something as simple as walking up and down a flight of stairs. Jae managed it for about five days, before his knees buckled as he was going down the stairs. No one was awake at the time, but they woke up to his screams of pain. Jae can’t take the stairs anymore, so Dowoon switches rooms with him. 

The second he comes home, the members are on him like a pack of dogs. Apparently, they made a rule where Jae can’t be alone. There is always someone with him, whether he’s at the studio or even just in his room. They hover over him twenty-four-seven, making sure he eats three meals, gets seven hours of sleep, doesn’t overwork himself. 

Sungjin puts his prescribed painkillers next to his plate during breakfast. Wonpil tries to be discreet when he makes up excuses to get Jae out of the studio after he’s been in there for more than three hours. Dowoon feigns tiredness after they have a particularly full day so that the managers will let them go back to the dorms sooner. 

Younghyun…Younghyun hasn’t talked to him since he came home. Jae can’t lie; it hurts like hell every time he sees the younger walking away after catching a glimpse of him. 

“Don’t worry,” Wonpil whispers in Jae’s ear during movie night. Jae shifts his eyes to gaze at Younghyun, curled up alone on a chair in the corner of their living room. 

“He’s angry and hurt. He’ll get over it. You just need to give him some more time.” 

“I get that,” Jae frowns, clenching his hands, “but I don’t know how much time I have left to give.” 

A large explosion flares up on the screen just as Jae's throat begins to close up, filling with petals and thorns. Coughing, Jae bolts off the couch. His legs are unstable and shaky as he runs to the bathroom. He gets there just barely, falling to his knees and hunching over the toilet. 

In his haste, he forgets to take off his glasses, too busy ridding his mouth and lungs of all the petals that had been caught there. He only realizes his mistake once a pair of cold hands gently remove the rims from his face. Jae’s vision goes blurry, but he knows exactly who it is once those same hands drag through the hair on his head, holding his bangs back. 

“Brian,” Jae croaks. He spits out another clump of blood into the toilet. 

“Shhh,” Younghyun says, rubbing his back slowly. “We can talk later. Just focus on this right now, okay?” 

Jae nods as another wave crawls his throat, forcing him over the toilet bowl once again. This wave is by far the worst one yet. Along with flowers comes the remnants of whatever food Jae had managed to keep down earlier, and when that ran out, his stomach acid makes its appearance known. 

Once nothing else comes up, Jae leans onto his heels, head falling onto Younghyun’s shoulder, just behind him. There’s sweat lining his forehead and tear tracks on his cheeks.  Everything in him hurts—his stomach, his lungs, his heart.  He wants this to be done, to be over with. 

He wishes he’d never fallen in love. Yet, when Younghyun helps him back to his new room, presses a cool cloth against his forehead, hands him a glass of water to rinse his mouth, when he wipes away the tears with calloused fingers, Jae doesn't regret his choice. His only regret is that he’s hurting everyone else instead of just hurting himself. Younghyun makes to leave, but Jae grabs his wrist with a feeble grip. 

“Brian, I’m sorry.” 

Younghyun’s eyes are dark, impossible to read. “I know.”  He sits back down on the side of Jae’s bed, hand naturally landing on Jae’s blanket-covered knee. “I’m sorry, too. I’ve been a major asshole recently. You don’t deserve that.” 

“I do, actually. It’s my fault that you guys have to take care of me now. I’m basically a liability.” 

Younghyun smiles softly. “Please—you were already a liability, what with your lack of IQ and desire to test any and every idea that pops into your mind.” 

Jae laughs alongside Younghyun. It has been while since the two of them spent any time together one-on-one, and it’s worth it. Just being in the presence of Younghyun has already lifted his spirits. 

“Thank you, Brian,” he says. “I know that this is hard on all of us, and I’m sorry that I put you in this situation, but at least something good comes out of it, yeah? I guess a lot more people will know about Day6 by the time this year is over.” 

And just like that, Jae ruins a perfectly good moment.  Younghyun goes stiff, hand gripping his knee in a death-like trance. 

He turns and stares at Jae, eyes narrowed and angry. “What do you mean by that?” 

Jae looks away, shifting uncomfortably. “I mean…realistically, a lot of news stations are going to cover my death, especially since it’ll be hanahaki-related. A lot of people are going to hear about Day6 for the first time…a lot of them might hear the music at a memorial for me or something. They might starting following us—you guys—because they feel bad. It’s going to be good publicity for the group.” 

_Smack._ Jae’s cheek stings and blood rushes to Younghyun’s palm. 

“Jaehyung, look at me.” 

Jae slowly turns his head. Younghyun’s eyes are filled with fire, rage. “You’re going to die, and this group is going to be down to four. I already know—and hate—that, but don’t you fucking _dare_ start going off about how this will be good publicity. We would give up everything if it meant that you would still be alive by the end of this year.” 

He takes a large breath, a few tears blinking out of his eyes. The next thing he says is quieter, more sincere. “If it meant that you would still be with me, I could go the rest of my life without ever touching a guitar ever again. I would do anything to take this away from you. If I had to start coughing up petals so you wouldn’t, I would do it in a heartbeat.” 

Both of them are silent for a long while, just staring at each other. 

“Well then,” Jae forces himself to swallow, “it’s a good thing that you can’t. At least if it’s me, not a lot of people will care.” 

“Jae," Younghyun whispers, _“I_ care. You have no idea how special you are to me.” 

The next words in Jae’s throat taste like acid and hurt more coming up than the thorns do. “You’re right. I don’t, but you don't know how much you mean to me either, Brian. You have absolutely no clue, and you might never know.” 

It’s clear that Younghyun wants to continue talking, but Jae turns onto his side, curling up away from Younghyun’s piercing gaze. What seems like an eternity later, Younghyun moves off the bed and turns off the light. He leaves Jae’s room, and it feels like a goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip. you might not believe this but jae is actually my bias and i love day6 with all of my trashy heart so this story hurts to write. it's only going downhill from here, kiddos


	4. four

When Jae first met Younghyun, he was fresh off the streets of America with little to no Korean in his pocket and glasses that took up half of his face. Younghyun wasn’t that impressive either, with a truly horrible haircut and an awkward accent from his time spent in Canada. 

Jae had walked into the meeting room with his guitar case on his back to see a person already sitting in there.  Jae, ever the extrovert, had taken a deep breath, walked right up to the boy who looked like he was about to have a heart attack, and stuck out his hand. 

“Hello. My name is Jae Park.”  Jae’s pronunciation was probably horrendous, and don’t even start on his accent, but the other boy didn’t seem to mind much. 

He gave Jae a very soft smile and took the offered handshake. “‘Sup. I’m Brian Kang.” 

His voice was like an ocean, sprawling and dark, lilting and rising with the waves, and Jae was about to pass out just listening to him. 

“Brian? You’re American?” 

Jae’s switch to English didn’t seem to phase the other as Brian just shook his head. “Nah. I went to Canada for high school, but I grew up in Korea.” 

“Oh. Is it chill if we still use English? I, uh, don’t really have a lot of practice with Korean. If we’re being honest here, I’m actually pretty shit at it.” 

Brian shrugs. “Sure. Doesn’t really make a difference to me.”

Jae grinned and took his guitar off his back before putting it up against a wall. “So, if you’re Korean, then why’re you named Brian? That’s a kinda odd name, but what do I know?”

“Brian is my English name,” Younghyun explained. He used his hands to talk, which Jae found unreasonably adorable. “My birth name is actually Kang Younghyun. You can call me that if you really want to.”

Jae hummed and pretended to think before playfully punching Younghyun’s shoulder. “Nah. I like Brian better. Fits you. You look like a Brian.”

Younghyun laughed, and Jae could tell that Younghyun was going to cause him trouble. Oh how right he had been.

 

* * *

 

Jae looks up and high-fives the camera, smile stretching across his cheeks. “Hey guys. What’s up? It’s Jae here, back again at JaeSix, here for you guys. The losers next to me are my band, Day6. I’ll let them introduce themselves because I don’t trust them to do anything else on my channel. Take it away, Brian.” 

Younghyun rolls his eyes, but waves anyways. “Hey guys. As Jae already said, my name’s Brian.” 

It hurts in a strange way, knowing Younghyun won’t even argue on his name anymore. Things are tangibly different now, and obviously so. Sungjin looks to be in pain as he introduces himself in stiff words, while Wonpil and Dowoon’s accents shine through in their unpolished English.  Seeing how uncomfortable the rest of the members are, Jae takes the reins back. 

“Alright, so you may be wondering why on earth I have the rest of the Day6 members here, but I promise that it'll make more sense as this video goes on. This one is gonna be kinda different ‘cause I’ve got some serious stuff to talk about with you guys.” 

Jae takes a deep breath, hands instinctively clenching. Sungjin grabs at one of his hands, squeezing it comfortingly. Jae gives him a weak smile before turning back to the camera. 

“So, I’ve got Hanahaki, which I’m guessing is no surprise to anyone who is actively on Twitter or any other form of social media, really. I’ve known the diagnosis for a while, but I’ve been trying to hide it for as long as I could. I didn’t tell anyone—not even my family. Nobody knew, and I was gonna keep it that way, but that didn’t really happen the way I wanted it to. The…the concert was…an accident. I thought I could get through it, but,” Jae trailed off, fingernails digging into his thighs. 

He can feel his throat tighten with the force of the tears brewing in the backs of his eyes. His emotions and hormones have been all out of whack because of the disease. The doctor who checked up on him told him that his body considered the disease as a foreign virus, so every cell in his body is trying to get rid of the flowers and thorns. 

Unfortunately, the antibodies can’t do anything against the flowers. They just end up multiplying and flooding his body, which in turn, upsets his hormone balance and some brain functions. Basically, Jae’s brain can no longer compute logic problems correctly, and his emotions mirror those of someone diagnosed with bipolar disorder. 

Younghyun puts a hand on Jae’s thigh, giving him a small nod. “What Jae is trying to say is that he didn’t want to tell you guys that way. He wanted to tell you when he was ready.” 

Jae takes a deep breath, tries to ignore the way Younghyun’s hand is burning a hole through his jeans. “I know you guys have a lot of questions, and I want to be as open with you guys as I can. Question one: am I still an artist under JYP? Yeah. The company wasn’t too happy about me having Hanahaki, but they understand to an extent. I’ve kinda explained the situation to them, and we worked everything out. Will Day6 still be active? Yes, we will. I’ll be apart of Day6 until the doctor can no longer clear me to participate.” 

“We’re still gonna be producing songs and doing concerts,” Younghyun says, “but once Jae can’t perform with us anymore, Day6 will be taking a hiatus. If or when we come back is yet to be determined.” 

Everyone goes quiet after Younghyun’s statement, because everyone knows the next questions Jae is going to have to answer. The two questions that have been circulating the web nonstop ever since the video of him collapsing on stage went viral. 

“Will I have surgery to remove the flowers?” Jae asks, voice soft, timid. “No, I won’t. I am refusing the surgery. I know this is going to come as a shock to some of you, but I am begging you to respect my choice. It wasn’t easy for me to make, trust me. The company has cleared my request, so it’s not like I’m doing it behind their backs or anything. I won’t be revealing the identity of the other person, either. That’s the one answer that I wanna keep to myself. Please, nobody ask me.” 

“And we don’t know who it is either, so don’t worry about being in the dark. Jae only told management who the person is.” 

The bitterness in Younghyun’s voice makes Jae’s back stiffen and doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone, seen by how Dowoon steps on his foot, Wonpil pinches his side, and Sungjin settles for glaring at the bassist. A couple of uncomfortably long seconds pass in complete silence. Jae forces himself to smile—which looks more like a grimace than anything—and knows it looks fake as hell. 

“Brian’s right.” The name tastes like acid on the tip of his tongue. “I’m gonna keep this person to myself. I hope you guys can respect that. Anyway, that’s pretty much all we’ve got for right now. I know this may come as a shock to you guys, but I’m still the same ol’ Jae. I’m still here, so don’t treat me any differently. This has been JaeSix. Peace!” 

Jae holds up a peace sign for a couple of seconds before dropping it and standing. No one speaks as he stiffly walks over to the camera, turns it off, and removes it from the tripod. The quiet is suffocating in the room. 

Younghyun sighs behind him. “Jae—“ 

“No,” Jae spits, whipping around to glare at him. “I don’t want to hear a single word from your fucking mouth, _Younghyun.”_

The tension in the room doubles at the appearance of Younghyun’s name, the one that Jae _never_ uses. Younghyun himself looks like he’s been slapped. He opens his mouth, but Jae holds up a hand. 

_“_ _No._ Shut the fuck up and listen to me for once. I get it, okay? I get that you’re pissed at me—I’m pissed at me, too—but you have to stop doing this shit. Stop being such a bitch about it. I don’t want to tell anyone who I’m in love with, and you need to fucking respect that. I don’t want to tell you guys because then you’re gonna blame him for my death, and it's not his fault. It’s mine. _I_ fell in love with him. _I_ have Hanahaki. _I_ am going to die. This is _my_ problem, _my_ burden. If you’re more interested in ruining what little life I have left than you are in helping me make the most out of it, then I don't see any reason to continue with music, with the group, and _especially_ with you.” 

He turns and storms out of the room, door slamming behind him.

 

* * *

 

Jae and Younghyun have fought before. All of the members have. You can’t put five strangers into a group and expect them to get along one-hundred percent of the time. 

No one is unfamiliar with tense situations, especially during comeback time. There was a brief one-week stint where Wonpil would try to strangle Sungjin every single time the two of them were left alone for more than a few seconds. The members always try to resolve the conflicts, which succeeds a majority of the time, and their relationship grows stronger for it. 

However, this one is different. The tension between Younghyun and Jae is heavier than any of them have ever experienced.  Luckily for them, they were in a slight lull when it came to their schedules due to Byron being in the process of editing the video they filmed a couple of days ago. Management had decided to wait until the video came out so they could see the fans’ reactions in order to assess whether or not they need damage control, so the five hang around their dorms and the studio. 

One thing is for certain: wherever Younghyun is, Jae isn’t. He avoids the bassist like a disease—oh, how ironic—by locking himself in his room or in a practice room for most of the day.  Sungjin gets the task of making sure Jae is taking care of himself while Wonpil and Dowoon try to kick and yell some sense into Younghyun. 

Three sessions of violence and screaming later, and the maknaes haven’t made any progress. Sungjin spends his days tracking Jae, always with a water bottle or cup of soup for when he misses a meal.  The few times that Jae and Younghyun have accidentally been in the same room, Jae doesn’t say a word and brushes past Younghyun, making it a point to knock his shoulder against the bassist’s. 

Jae is never seen as very confrontational, but he can hold a grudge for years if it’s serious enough—and this fight was. On the other hand, Younghyun deals with conflict like oil and water mix with each other. That is to say, not very well. As the days pass by, Younghyun begins to look more and more distraught. 

After two weeks, Wonpil corners him in the studio. 

“Listen up,” he says, arms crossed. “You’re going to stay here for a bit. Dowoonie’s gonna bring Jae-hyung over and we’re gonna lock to the two of you in here. You’re gonna apologize without sounding like a douchebag, and things are gonna go back to how they were before you decided to stick your head up your ass. Understood?” 

All Younghyun can do is nod. Wonpil huffs before exiting the room. True to his word, Dowoon shoves Jae into the room and locks the door behind him not ten minutes later. The second Jae lays eyes on Younghyun sitting in the corner, he growls underneath his breath and pounds his hands on the door. 

“Dowoon, you little shit! Unlock the fucking door!” 

“No.” 

“I will shove my fucking guitar up your ass if you do not let me out.” 

“Didn't think you had enough lube for that.” 

“Dowoon!” 

Younghyun stands up, wringing his hands as he approaches Jae. He puts his hand on Jae’s shoulder, which makes the older jolt around and rip Younghyun’s hand off as if he’d been burned. Younghyun looks like he’s close to tears.

“Hyung,” and oh shit, he must be _wrecked_ if he’s using honorifics with Jae, “can we please talk?” 

Jae stands stiffly, not wanting to let his guard down. “You get five minutes, Younghyun-ah. Go.” 

The use of his birth name makes Younghyun wince. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been treating you. That day, when we were filming the video, I was a dick. A complete, utter asshole. I’ve been an asshole to you ever since the concert, and you don’t deserve all the shit I’ve given you. I’m so, so sorry for all of the comments I’ve made, for everything I’ve done and all the stuff I haven’t that I should have. I’m sorry for not being the best friend I should be right now.” 

Jae can feel his shoulders relax against his own will. 

“You hurt me, Brian.” His voice is a lot smaller and vulnerable than he hoped it would be. “You really hurt me. I’d been carrying my burden alone for months, and when I finally had to tell you guys, although not the way I wanted to, I needed support. I needed my friends, my family, beside me to help me walk through all of this shit. I needed _you,_ but you turned your back on me.” 

Younghyun winces, tears brimming in his eyes. “I know, and I’m sorry. I was scared—still am.” 

Jae laughs, too airy and too deprecating. “What are _you_ scared of? I’m the one who's dying.” 

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Younghyun whispers. “I’m scared to lose my best friend, because I don’t know how I’m going to continue once you’re gone.” 

Jae sobers, averting his gaze to his clasped hands. Something warm flutters in his chest, and he forces it into the pit of his stomach, right beside the small pool of soup he was able to keep down. 

“It’s okay to be scared, but you can’t just push me away. I’m not strong enough to chase after you.” 

“I know. I don’t want to run away from you anymore—I want to be by your side, fighting this head-on with you, step-by-step.” 

Jae lifts his gaze to meet Younghyun’s tired and loving eyes. Something shatters deep within Jae’s chest.  He shudders and tucks his arms around his body. 

“I’m scared too, ya know?” He can feel his ribs through his thin shirt. “I’m really fucking scared, Brian.” 

Younghyun steps forward, wrapping Jae in the warm expanse of his arms. Jae loops his hands over Younghyun’s shoulders, digs his nose into the cloth of his shirt. It smells clean, with a hint of pine. It smells like home. Younghyun rubs a warm, steady hand up and down Jae’s spine. 

“I know, Jae. I know.” 

Jae chokes on his thoughts, can feel tears swell in his eyes and drip down his face. 

“I don’t wanna die,” he sobs. 

Younghyun just tightens his grip on Jae’s waist. Younghyun is the one holding him close as he begins to break apart, bit by bit, and he will be the one to help pick up the pieces and carefully slot them back together with more love than Jae will ever be worth. It’s always Younghyun who helps to heal Jae—it’s just always Younghyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was honestly the most fun to write, because jae's rant at brian is the product of all of my repressed anger lol. however, i hope y'all know that this is just the calm before the storm..


	5. five

Thankfully, his company lets Jae pick his parents up from the airport, only on the condition that he takes bodyguards and almost completely conceals his face, for protection, and he must meet them in a private room. Jae immediately agreed. Now, Jae and Sungjin—whom Jae asked to come with him for moral support—are decked out in all black with face-masks and sunglasses perched on their noses, waiting for Jae’s parents to emerge from one of the terminals. 

When Jae sees them, he almost starts crying. Sungjin puts a hand on his back, grounding him and reminding him that he can’t run towards them. One of their bodyguards walks up to his parents and talks to them in low tones, pointing in the direction of Jae and Sungjin. Another person begins to maneuver Jae and Sungjin to the private room. 

Once everyone enters the room and the door slams shut behind them, Jae rips off his mask and glasses before leaping to hug his parents. He doesn’t want to think about how his mother looks a decade older than the last time he saw her, doesn’t want to acknowledge the tears in his father’s eyes. All he wants to do is forget—forget about his illness, about his future, about everything that’s happening right now. 

His mother loops her hands around his shoulders, dry sobs racking her chest. His father wraps the two of them in one hug, arms shaking and breath labored. 

“I’m sorry,” Jae cries, trembling in the holds of his parents. “I’m so sorry.” 

His father hushes him, rubbing a strong hand up and down his back. “It’s okay, Jae. It’s okay.” 

It’s either five minutes or five hours before the three of them disentangle themselves. Now that Jae can think without wanting to cry, he realizes that someone’s missing from their huddle. 

“Where’s Jieun?” 

“She can’t come up,” his mother says. “She had an exam that she couldn’t make up, but she promised to video call you in a couple of days. She wants to see you before…”

Jae picks up where his mother can’t finish. “Before it’s too late.” 

“We don’t need to talk about that right now,” his father interrupts. 

Jae watches as his mother whips around and glares at her husband. “If we don’t talk about it now, then when will we, huh? When he’s dead? When we’re coming back here to bury our son?” 

“What makes you think we’re burying him in Korea?” his father snaps back, face beginning to contort in anger. 

Jae puts himself in between his parents, feeling his throat tighten. “Guys, please don’t fight. Not right now, okay?” 

He coughs once, twice, tastes blood. He peels a petal off his tongue and puts it into his pocket, his parents’ eyes following his movements. Sungjin comes up behind him and wraps a firm arm around his waist, due to their height difference, pulling him in to rest at his side. 

“I think it’s time to go back to the dorm, Jaehyung,” Sungjin whispers in his ear. Jae melts against Sungjin at the sound, resting all of his weight against his leader, not even bothering to make a snarky comment about honorifics. 

“Yeah, okay.” He lifts his head to stare back at his parents, his next words in quiet English. “I’m going back to the dorm. You guys can either come with me, or you can stay here and fight. I’m not strong enough for this anymore.” 

Once he’s done talking, Sungjin turns the two of them around, picking up their discarded masks and glasses. He puts the mask and glasses on Jae’s face with the utmost gentleness before dressing himself up as well and tucking Jae back into his hold. He begins to lead Jae out of the room. Jae can’t resist looking back, watching as his parents silently follow in the wake of the bodyguards. 

 

* * *

 

His parents have met the other members before, but only briefly and only a couple of times. When Sungjin guides Jae into the dorm, the other three jump up from the couch. Dowoon rushes to Jae’s other side, helping move the eldest to rest against the giant pile of pillows and blankets that had taken over one side of the couch. Wonpil and Younghyun hold back, arms crossed as they stare at Jae’s parents, who are fidgeting and looking more and more uncomfortable as the seconds go by. 

J ae, now swathed with at least three blankets and leaning against mounds of pillows and plushies, motions for his parents to join him on the couch.  “You guys can sit down. Don’t worry. These guys are just unnecessarily overprotective, hence the literal mountains of pillows and blankets.” 

Younghyun makes an affronted noise in the back of his throat. “We are _not_ overprotective. You’re just fragile.” 

Jae levels a glare at the bassist’s words. “You wanna say that again, asshole?” 

“Calm down, you two,” Sungjin interrupts. “We have guests.” 

At the mention of his parents, Jae shifts his gaze to them. They’re sitting on the edge of the couch, looking very confused at the rapid-fire Korean being spit around them.

“How long are you guys gonna stay?” Jae asks. Their faces immediately lighten at the familiar English. 

“ Five days. We couldn’t get any more ti me off than that.” The regret and shame in his mom’s voice is obvious. 

“It’s okay,” Jae whispers. “I don’t blame you guys. I’m just glad I get to see you now.” 

His father winces. “Can we talk about a couple of things, Jae?” 

Jae sighs. He wishes that they could put this conversation off even more, but he knows that it’s not realistically possible. “Yeah.” 

He turns to the members, switching to Korean. “Can you guys give us a couple of minutes?” 

None of them look happy, but they all exit the room. Once the room is clear, Jae gives his parents a nod. It’s his father who speaks first. 

“Do you have a will?” 

“Yes. It’s required when we sign with the company. I updated it last week.” 

His mother scoots closer, putting a warm hand on his knee. “Do you want to talk about the arrangements?” 

“Might as well, huh?” 

“We went and looked at plots,” his father breathes, tears at the edges of his words. “We found a pretty nice one that overlooks the ocean. We figured you would like that. Do you want to see pictures?” 

Jae stiffens; he knows his next words aren’t going to be popular with his audience. “Dad, I want to be buried in Korea.” 

A tense silence fills the space after his words. His father looks like someone punched him in the gut. “You can’t be serious, Jae.” 

“I am. The other members took me around, and I found somewhere I really liked. They already know that’s where I want to be laid to rest.” 

“And what about us?” His father looks like he’s two seconds from punching a wall. “What about the people you’re leaving behind? I can’t afford to spend thousands of dollars every time I want to visit my son’s grave!” 

Jae stiffens his shoulders. “My life is _here_ now. My friend are here, my career is here. Our fans are here. You’re not the only ones who’re gonna mourn me.” 

“We are your _family,_ Jaehyung! Or did you forget that when you decided to choose someone who will never love you over us?” 

The sound of a door slamming against a wall. Jae almost gets whiplash from how quickly he turns his head. 

Younghyun is fuming, fists clenched as he storms into the room. “How about you shut your fucking mouth, huh?” 

“Brian!” Jae hisses. “What are you doing?” 

Younghyun ignores him and sticks his face within a foot of Jae’s father’s. “Your son is fucking dying, and all you have to say is complaints about where he wants to be buried?” 

Jae’s father pulls himself up to his full height, five or six centimeters taller than Younghyun. “He’s the one who chose to kill himself. We are the ones who have to deal with the consequences.” 

“It’s not his fault!” Younghyun screams. “Anyone would be damn lucky to have Jae fall in love with them. He is one of the best fucking people I’ve ever met, and it’s not his fault that the person he loves is a piece of shit and doesn’t love him back! You can either love him or disown him, but you do _not_ get to make him feel like a piece of shit when it’s him that’s hurting the most.” 

Jae feels like someone just stabbed him in the heart. Younghyun always speaks what's on his mind, never leaving anything to rest at night. It's one of the things Jae always admires about him, but his honesty hurts more than it helps. If only Younghyun knew the truth—the full truth. Then he'd never be able to look Jae in the eyes again.

Jae's not the only one affected by Younghyun's speech. His father begins to sob, shoulders shaking violently. “I don’t want to lose my son.” 

His mother, sniffling herself, wraps herself around him, holding him close as they cry in tandem. 

Younghyun takes a step back, obviously not expecting the explosion of emotions. He rushes over to Jae’s aid the second he hears the older wheeze as he attempts to push himself up against the mound of pillows. The soft surfaces didn’t make for good handholds, which results in Jae continually slipping and falling back to his original position. 

Younghyun hooks his hands underneath Jae’s armpits, gently pulling him to his feet before slinging one of his thin arms over his shoulder. Jae’s parents watch as he hobbles forward. He lets go of Younghyun only to lean on his parents. They hug him back immediately, the warm embrace more comforting than his pile of blankets. Jae can feel his own tears leaking off his cheeks. 

“I don't want to lose you guys either,” he hiccups. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault, Jae,” his mom whispers in response. “We love you.” 

It's all Jae can do to whimper and cry as his parents hold him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shorter chapter this time. this one honestly wasn't explicitly necessary, but i wanted to introduce jae's parents and show how younghyun's attitude has changed with the events of the last chapter. i know it's not the best, but bear with me. the next one should be a lot better. see y'all next monday.


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: vomiting, blood, gore. if any of these affect you negatively, please do not read this story. take care of yourself first and foremost.

Jae’s parents go back to Cerritos with tears in their eyes and a promise to let Jae and the members make all of the arrangements. Jae spends the first night after his parents leave curled up in a ball, alternating between crying, sleeping, and coughing up bloody flowers. The other members try to comfort him, but to no real avail. 

Jae feels empty, all of his emotions shriveled up and powdered at the bottom of his feet. He turns his nose up whenever Wonpil tries to sneak food into his room, immediately demanding for the other to remove the offensive smell from his space. One time, the smell of spicy beef was so disgusting it triggered him to throw up stomach acid and half-dissolved petals, then dry-heaving for three minutes once nothing more would come up. After that, Sungjin bans anyone from going into Jae’s room without permission. 

He doesn’t see the other members for two entire days, and doesn’t eat for four. He’s not hungry, even though he logically knows that what he’s doing is killing him even quicker. Maybe he wants to die. Maybe he doesn’t want to be around anymore. 

“And maybe I want to shove a fork down your throat right now, but I’m not going to do that, am I?” 

Or, on second thought, maybe he should stick around for a little bit. Jae smiles tiredly at the digital face of his sister. He’d expect nothing less of her response after spilling his guts to her for the past ten minutes. “You’d have freakishly long arms if you could.” 

Jieun grins, eyes crinkling in the corners. “There’s the smartass I grew up with. I was starting to think you left him in California.” 

“Sometimes I think I did,” Jae murmurs. “I can't recognize myself anymore.” 

“To be fair, you have changed quite a bit.”  The clicking of the clock in the background seems far too loud. 

“I’m not talking physical, noona.” Jae doesn’t typically use honorifics with his family, but when he does, he means them. “It’s all of me. I…I just don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore. Am I the guitarist of Day6? Am I that one kid from California who thought he could make it in Korea? Or am I the person who ruined his friends’ careers by falling in love with the wrong person? Who am I?” 

Jieun is quiet for a few seconds, before she takes a deep breath.  “You’re all of them, and none of them, Jae. You don’t have to be one set person. You’re the guitarist of Day6; you’re that kid from California who made it in Korea; you’re the person who accidentally fell in love with his best friend.” 

Jae’s head snaps up, jaw gaping as he stares at his sister. “What?” 

“You think you’re subtle?” Jieun smiles sadly. “You're not. It's pretty obvious who you're in love with. And, for what it's worth, if he knew, I know he would try to love you back.” 

“You’re absolutely right,” Jae whispers, eyes stinging. “And that’s the problem. If he knew that he was the person causing me so much pain, he would force himself to love me—that’s just the kind of guy he is. And that’s exactly why I can’t tell him. Because if he can’t love me, then he’s going to blame himself for my death, and it’s not his fault.” 

“I understand,” Jieun says. "Well, actually, I don’t understand. I don’t understand what you’re going through, what you’re feeling. But, I understand why you’re going about it the way you are. I do have one question though.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Are you ever gonna tell them? Your members?” 

Someone must have turned the temperature down in the dorm, goosebumps raising on Jae’s arms. He starts picking at the threads of the blanket on his lap. “Maybe. Not now. Not until I’m near the end. And I won’t tell Brian. I’ll have the the others tell him after…” 

“I get it.” Jieun’s gaze is soft. “Do you think some of them already know?” 

“Probably,” Jae admits, a small laugh bubbling in the back of his throat. “We’ve known each other for years. I’d be surprised if they don’t figure it out."

 

* * *

They do end up figuring it out. 

Unsurprisingly, Sungjin is the first person to put the puzzle pieces together. It takes him exactly two days after Jae’s talk with Jieun for him to approach Jae with an odd look on his face.  “Do you wanna go out and get some snacks with me, hyung?” 

Jae’s feeling pretty good, so he agrees. The two of them put on their shoes and venture out onto the street, towards a convince store. Jae is wearing at least three coats at Wonpil’s insistence, because, “It’s cold outside, hyung! You can’t risk getting yourself sick.” (“I’m already sick, Pil.” “You know what I mean, you ass.”)  They walk in a comfortable silence until they get to the store, warm air blasting them in the face once they open the door. 

“I’ll get some chips,” Jae chirps, moving away to fulfill his self-appointed mission. Sungjin looks like someone swapped his tongue for a lemon, but he lets him go. Jae hums to himself as he grabs his members’ favorite brands of chips and piles them in his arms. He feels a tap on his shoulder, turning to see Sungjin offering a basket, which Jae happily dumps his holdings into. 

Sungjin catches on the brightly colored bag that they all know to be Younghyun’s favorite. His expression tightens.  “Is it him?” 

Jae quirks one of his eyebrows. “Huh?” 

Sungjin looks up, staring right into his eyes. “I read through your songs today. Both of them.” 

Jae feels like his entire body has been dunked in ice water. Ever since he’d gotten diagnosed, he had found himself drifting towards his notebook more and more. It was a safe way for him to expel all of his fears and regrets without letting the other members know exactly what was going on. He had made the decision to submit two of his rather explicit songs to consider for possible group songs, figuring that they could use them as memorial songs after he’s gone, to help the fans and the members to find closure. He didn’t know that they would be read so soon, otherwise he would’ve waited longer. 

“And what about them?” 

“It’s him, isn’t it? Younghyun-ah?” 

Jae clenches his trembling hands. “What are you trying to say, Sungjin? Spit it out.” 

“Younghyun is the person you’re in love with, isn't he?” 

And there it is: the truth. Jae doesn’t have to say anything; the tears on his cheeks are answer enough. Sungjin puts down the chips, draws him into a tight hug. Jae weakly loops his arms around Sungjin’s shoulders. 

“It’s okay, hyung,” Sungjin whispers, rubbing Jae’s back comfortingly. “I know why you don’t want to tell anyone, and I respect that. I won’t tell anybody else, I promise. It’s okay. You can cry now.” 

And cry he does. In the middle of a convince store at eleven-thirty-seven at night, Jae sobs for what himself, for his group, and for the person he’s going to die for. 

 

* * *

Wonpil is next, although he figures it out all on his own with no help from Jae. He corners Jae in the kitchen when it’s his turn to make dinner, offering to help chop vegetables. Jae gladly puts him to work as his hands are feeling quite weak and shaky. 

He’s recently shifted into either the late parts of stage two or the early parts of stage three. Whatever is happening, Jae spends most of his day hunched over a toilet, a sink, a trashcan, or really anything that can hold all of the flowers and blood that force their way out of his throat. It’s been weeks since Jae kept down a full meal, and everyone knows that his time is running out.  Their managers are infinitely more cautious, and their schedule is suspiciously light. Anyone they conduct an interview with has to sign a non-disclosure agreement, making it a legal offense for them to talk about Jae’s infection. 

Since they have less and less public appearances, they spend more time at home. It was Sungjin’s idea to buy a bunch of groceries and have nights where they each cook dinner, so that they can spend some time together before it’s too late. No one mentions the last part, but they all know it’s an unspoken agreement. Everyone is scared of what is to come, and they show it in small ways. Jae assumes that this is Wonpil’s way of wanting to spend as much time with him as possible. 

At first, Sungjin wasn't even going to put him on the cooking roster, claiming he didn't want to wear Jae out. That particular comment resulted in Jae yelling at them to not treat him any differently just because he was dying, and the argument ended when Jae fell onto the ground with blood and half-digested food splattering out of his mouth. The two of them apologized to each other, and Jae ended up on the cooking roster. 

Typically, one of the members will help him cook, probably worried that he's going to hurt himself even more. Hence why Wonpil is chopping meat while Jae sautés some vegetables and slow-cooks a broth. They cook in silence for a couple of minutes, letting the sizzle of the pan or the clank of the knife against the board be their music. 

That is, until Wonpil decides to speak up. “You're in love with Brian, right?” 

Jae drops his spoon into the pot of broth. “What?” 

Jae’s facing away from him, but he can hear Wonpil put the knife down and approach him. He pulls Jae away slowly, fishes the spoon out of the soup for him, and turns to face him. Wonpil’s face, usually so bright and cheerful, is calm and sharp. “It’s Brian, right? Brian is the reason why you have Hanahaki.” 

Jae can’t deny it, and he doesn’t exactly want to. He’s too tired. “How’d you figure it out?” 

“You don’t want the surgery, which means it’s someone really close to you. Plus, you mentioned how much you think about the group and how you know this would hurt the group no matter what, which implies that the group wouldn’t be the same even if you got the surgery. That means it’s one of the four of us. You think of Dowoon like a younger brother, and Sungjin acts too much like a parent or older brother for you to fall in love with him, I think. As for me, well, you haven’t acted any different around me since you came back from the hospital. Brian’s the only person you seem to be avoiding, and he’s your best friend, so he makes the most sense.”

Jae laughs, the sound watery and flat.  “You know, you’re a lot smarter than we give you credit for, Pillie.” 

Wonpil grins impishly. “I know. Now let’s finish cooking.” 

“Wait.” Jae grabs onto Wonpil’s wrist. “That’s it? You’re okay with this?” 

This time, Wonpil’s smile is a lot sadder. “Honestly? No. I’m not okay with you killing yourself, even if it is for Brian or the sake of the group. But I do get _why_ you’re doing it. I don’t blame you for falling in love, and I don’t blame you for the choices you’ve made. Your story isn’t going to end happily with rainbows and castles, but I don’t regret being apart of it. You’re my brother, Jae, and there’s nothing you could do that would undo that.” 

Jae is two seconds away from breaking down into uncontrollable tears over the soup. 

“Well, unless you murdered someone,” Wonpil says, winking. “Then I might need to reconsider.” 

Jae laughs as he goes back to stirring the soup. “I’ll try not to commit murder.” 

“ That’s all I can ask for.”

 

* * *

 

Dowoon is the final person to figure it out, which does surprise Jae. He knows the younger is intelligent, but he figures that he’ll just want to stay out of the tense and difficult topic until he has to face it. Jae is one-hundred percent wrong. 

They’re practicing for Jae’s last comeback—no one has called it that, but everyone knows that’s what it is—and Younghyun offers to go get bottles of water for everyone after Jae had bolted to the trash can during “Dance Dance” and emptied his stomach and throat of all the petals that had started to emerge. Younghyun helps him up and wipes his mouth with a tissue. It comes away bloody. After he helps to situate Jae in his chair again, he leaves to procure said bottles. 

Still coughing, Jae picks his guitar back up and tests his strings. He needs to replace them tonight. 

“Hey, Jae-hyung,” Dowoon calls from behind the drum-set. 

Jae clears his throat, swallows a couple of petals with a grimace, and turns to look at him. “Yeah?” 

“Does Brian-hyung know it’s him?” 

Just like that, every sound in the room cuts off at once. Jae can see that Wonpil and Sungjin are standing stiffly, as if they were statues, but Dowoon’s face was just one of curiosity. 

At this point, Jae stops caring. He’s exhausted, no energy available to lie to the youngest member. “No, he doesn’t. How’d you figure it out?” 

Dowoon shrugs. “You look at him as if he hung the moon and stars.” 

Jae huffs, focusing back on his guitar. “I do, don’t I?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout-out to the person who commented at like 6 am asking when i was gonna update. that one made me laugh. 
> 
> y'all might've noticed that i put a chapter deadline up. we're over halfway through. there'll be three more main series chapters, then finishing up with an epilogue. i'm really excited to see how this ends, and i hope you guys are too. thanks for reading, and i'll see y'all in a week.


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: vomiting, blood, gore. if any of these affect you negatively, please do not read this story. take care of yourself first and foremost.

It’s the beginning of September when Jae comes back from his check-up with a note in his hands and tears on his cheeks. He hands it wordlessly to Sungjin. The leader reads it out loud, voice cracking as he recites the words, “no longer fit for strenuous rehearsal or performance.” The Hanahaki specialist decided that Jae could shoot the music video they have on their schedule, and participate in one final concert, but he must stop all activities with Day6 once that concert ends. 

Dowoon wraps his arms around Jae’s waist, trying to give the older some sort of comfort. Wonpil follows, bundling Jae and Dowoon onto the couch and latching onto Jae’s shoulders. Sungjin has to pull Younghyun out of the room, the younger looking close to either punching a wall or committing first-degree murder. 

“Listen to me, Younghyun-ah,” Sungjin hisses in his ear. “I know you’re upset, and I know that you’re scared because everything’s happening and it feels too sudden, but you cannot lose it. Think about Jae. Think about how he would feel seeing you so upset. If you won’t keep your cool for the group, then keep it for him. Do you understand?” 

Younghyun clenches his jaw, but nods. 

“Good. Now go back in there and hug him. He needs you, even if he won’t be the one to say it.” Sungjin releases his grip on Younghyun’s wrist, watching as he immediately pushes through the door and maneuvers the three-person-huddle on the couch around until Jae is on Younghyun’s lap, chest to back, fingers interlocked on Jae’s emaciated stomach. 

Sungjin turns the television on to a mindless drama and takes his position in front of the couch, fingertips massaging into Jae’s calves. He tries to ignore how he can feel more bone than muscle. The five of them stay like that, for the rest of the day. None of them want to get up, because once they do, everything will change, once again. 

This time, for good.

 

* * *

 

_it was a really hard day today_

_my heart aches for you_

_the only thing i can do for you_

_is to be next to you—i’m sorry_

 

No one has told Jae what the new music video will be over. They’ve recorded their two new songs—“When You Love Someone” and “I Need Somebody”—but it wasn't obvious which song they would choose to shoot a music video for. Furthermore, besides Sungjin, none of the other members know it was Jae who wrote “I Need Somebody.” When faced with questions, Sungjin claimed he was the one who wrote it, inspired by of an old friend of his who had complained about not being able to find a girlfriend in high school. It didn't seem like the others bought it much, but they didn’t question it anymore.

 

_you’re so pretty when you smile_

_so every time you lose that smile_

_even if i have to give my all_

_i_ _want to give it back to you_

 

The other song, however, is truly a mystery to Jae. No one knows where the lyrics came from, and no one has fessed up either. Despite that, the lyrics hit Jae hard in the gut. He spent two hours after their recording session in his room, sobbing into his pillow. If anyone else heard him, they didn’t say anything.

 

_i want to cry for you_

_i_ _want to hurt instead of you_

_i_ _don’t want any scars in your heart_

_ever again_

 

“You ready, hyung?” Dowoon’s voice brings Jae back into the present. 

He startles, staring with wide eyes at the maknae. “Yeah. I didn’t know we were heading out.” 

He grabs his coat and follows Dowoon to the van. Younghyun is in the front seat, while Wonpil’s in the front row and Sungjin’s in the back. Dowoon pushes him gently towards Sungjin, and climbs in the seat next to Wonpil. Jae huddles close, resting his head on Sungjin’s shoulder. The younger wraps a steady arm around his shoulders, fingers running through the soft strands of hair and soothing Jae to sleep as the van hums to life.

 

_when you love someone_

_so much that it overflows_

_it’s so amazing_

_because this is how it is_

 

When Jae wakes, they’re at the first shooting sight: a park. Because of the Hanahaki, Jae knows that his involvement in the actual shoot will be much more limited. They file out of the van, into the chairs of the stylist-noonas. It's pretty easy stuff, once they actual begin filming. Jae sits on a swing, looks like he’s in love, giggles a couple of times. Later in the day, he has to sit in a cafe with one of the girls they'd casted and pretend of be enamored with the girl behind the counter. 

It’s all relatively easy stuff. It’s the other members who have to do more. Jae mainly hangs back, watching as everyone else films. Younghyun stays with him, his own scenes needing to be shot during the night. The two of them joke and browse the internet, showing each other funny videos every so often.

 

_i hope i can be a little helpful at least_

_i_ _hope i can be your resting place_

_i’ll try to make you feel at peace_

_whenever you think of me during your busy days_

 

Once the sun sets, they pull Younghyun away into a chair, leaving Jae alone again. Sungjin, with one scene left to shoot, slides to his side, pressing a comforting hand on the small of Jae's back. Watching Younghyun smile and gaze so softly at the girl next to him gives Jae a burning sensation in his chest. He coughs a couple of times, dropping the bloody petals into the bush in front of him. Younghyun’s head jerks up, eyes finding Jae’s for a split second, gaze warm, before dropping to the girl in front of him once more. 

 

_you’re such a soft-hearted person_

_every time you are silently in pain_

_even if i have to give my all_

_i want to make you smile again_

 

Sungjin taps his back once, an apologetic signal that he has to go down. Jae nods at him, lips turning up at the corners. The shine in the younger's eyes seems to brighten at the sight of his grin, which in turn, warms Jae down to his toes. Sungjin runs off to join Wonpil at the end of the sidewalk, and Jae allows the remnants of his smile to linger on his lips for a couple more seconds before a frown takes over again. 

Dowoon, the only other person who wasn’t filming, pads up next to him, holding out a water bottle. “Do you want some water, hyung?”

Jae shakes his head. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.” 

The two lapse into a comfortable silence, watching the scene unfold in front of them. It's not exactly quiet on the set, seeing as the bugs and the wind don't heed the advice of anyone and refuse to shut up. It's nice, though, the ambiance that fills the empty space between the two member, only broken when Dowoon says, “You know, Sungjin-hyung wrote this song.” 

 

_this is a song for you_

_i'm singing for you_

_i'll give you my everything_

 

 

“What?” Jae’s shoulders stiffen as he shifts his gaze to the side. 

“‘When You Love Someone.’ Sungjin-hyung wrote it.” 

A stone drops in Jae’s stomach. “How do you know?” 

“I found the lyrics in one of his notebooks. He asked me not to tell anyone, especially you.” 

Jae feels like he’s going to throw up. “Why not?” 

“Because he wrote it for you. It’s about him watching you deal with Hanahaki.” 

“Oh,” he whispers, eyes drifting to Sungjin, who is walking with Wonpil, seconds away from when he will “catch” the girl with Younghyun. Something twinges in his chest.  _Oh._

 

_when you love someone_

_so much that it overflows_

_it's so amazing_

_because that is how it is_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, this is short, once again, but please bear with me. the next two chapters are going to be short as well, but i'm posting them that way because i'm extra and dramatic so. you'll see what i mean next week. 
> 
> anyways, big thanks to my friend kk who helped me figure out how exactly i wanted to end this. i was having trouble with the epilogue, and she let me just kinda rant to her and i got the plan, so thanks boo lol. 
> 
> i hope you guys are excited for the ending. i know i am. thanks for reading


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: vomiting, blood, gore. if any of these affect you negatively, please do not read this story. take care of yourself first and foremost.

Jae doesn’t want this night to end. He doesn’t want to leave the stage, the fans, the music and adrenaline thrumming through his veins. He wants this night to last forever because once he leaves, that’s it. He’ll go back to the dorm, back to his room with a newly installed alert system to ensure that he can reach the other members without having to get out of bed. He will have to get a weekly, maybe even daily, checkup from a specialist with cold hands and even colder eyes. He’ll be put on a diet, just like he would if he was preparing for a comeback, but he won’t be. He won’t be preparing for any other comeback for as long as he lived.

Once Jae steps off this stage, it’s all over. The timer will be set, and the other members are the only ones who will know when it goes off. Everyone knew Jae was excited for the concert tonight. He bounced off the walls at their sound-check, smile never leaving his lips, even when they were covered in blood and his stomach and throat were empty once more. It was refreshing to the other members, to see him in such a good mood.

That good mood is almost completely dissipated, unfortunately. The five had decided not to tell fans that this one was the last, as there might be actual blood shed over tickets. But, as a compromise, the company allowed them to have it professionally recorded to upload onto Jae’s channel later. Jae himself forgot that it was his last concert until they finished singing “When You Love Someone,” signaling Jae to begin his speech before their last song.

Jae slings his guitar behind his body, resting more heavily on the stool the staff had brought him. Long gone were the days when he was able to jump and dance around the stage. Now, Jae is stationary, alternating between standing and sitting just to be able to keep enough air in his lungs to continue singing. He brings his hands up to the microphone, leaning on it ever so slightly.

“I just wanna thank you guys for coming out, for supporting all of us. It means the world,” Jae takes a deep breath, “especially now, considering this is my last concert.”

Pitiful cries erupt from the audience, gasps and screams of disbelief. Jae holds up a hand. “I know this may come as a surprise to you guys, but it’s true. A week or two ago, a doctor told me that I couldn’t be cleared for any more strenuous activities. They told me I could attend this concert, but that was it. _This,_ is it.”

Hearing the strain in Jae’s voice, Sungjin takes over as the oldest leans away to get rid of the petals climbing in his throat. “We didn’t want to tell you guys because we were afraid that some people might use extreme measure to get a ticket. The concert will be available on JaeSix in a couple of days, as it is being recorded for all of our fans who couldn’t make it. After tonight, Day6 will be going on a hiatus until further notice, but we have one more song to show you guys.”

“This is one that I wrote,” Jae says. He’s fading, and fast. He'll be lucky to make it through this song without falling apart on the stage. “I wrote it a couple of months after I was diagnosed, and it’s one that means a lot to me. This will be our last song tonight. Thank you, for everything you have given me. This one is called ‘I Need Somebody.’”

Jae looks to Wonpil and nods, the soft sounds of piano injecting life into the dead silence of the room. Jae closes his eyes, takes a breath, and presses his lips to the microphone.

 

_hello there, is anyone there?_

_where is_

_is there anyone to answer me?_

_is anyone there?_

 

Jae can remember the exact date when he fell in love with Younghyun.

It was during _Daydream_ era, right after they were given the news that Junhyeok was leaving the company, and by default, the group. Junhyeok didn’t really discuss it with them either. He just said that he was afraid to bring the band’s reputation down due to some controversial stuff he’s done in the past, then he left.

Jae joined JYP in 2011, and three years later, he knew the group he was going to debut with. The six of them were close—they had to be, in this industry—and they promised each other that no matter what may happen when they debut, they were always going to be there for each other.

Jae knew that it took everything Junhyeok had to leave them, but it was the fact that he didn’t tell the other members the truth that really stung. Junhyeok worked just as hard as anyone else in order to debut, so it didn’t make a lick of sense when he just up and left because he didn't want to taint the band’s reputation. Other companies have debuted more controversial figures.

Jae curled himself up on the couch, lips pressed against his knees. Younghyun had come up next to him, wrapped an arm around his shoulder, and pulled him into his side. It was supposed to be the opposite situation, Jae being the older and comforting the younger, but instead, it was Jae who was weak. But Younghyun didn’t care.

Younghyun never cared about those kinds of things.

 

_you're disappearing, more and more, without a sound_

_from me, without any reason_

_was everything a misunderstanding?_

_were we looking at each other in a dream?_

 

Jae didn't get homesick often, so when he did, it was a trip for all of the members. He would curl up in his bed, refuse any sort of food or drink, and just cry. When he wasn’t crying, he was looking at his phone, staring incessantly at the pictures of the family he left behind. Looking at the smiling faces of his parents and his older sister triggered more tears to flow, and then the cycle would restart.

The very first time it happened, no one knew what to do. Wonpil tried to make him laugh (he just cried); Sungjin tried to get him to eat (he threw the plate at the wall); and Dowoon just sat next to his bed until Jae told him to go away.

Finally, it was Younghyun who managed to break him out of it. He dragged Jae out of his bed and plopped him on the couch, shoving a bowl of popcorn into his lap. Jae had been two seconds away from dunking Younghyun’s face in the freshly-made, steaming-hot popcorn, but the picture on the TV screen made him halt. It was the menu for a DVD, one that Jae hadn’t seen in a long time.

“What is this? _Beverly Hills Chihuahua?”_

Younghyun gave Jae a side smile. “It’s based in California, and it’s in English.”

Jae felt like crying again, but for a completely different reason than the one before. “Why are you doing this?”

“I can tell that you’re homesick. I felt the same way in Canada. This is how I dealt with it.”

“Watching anthropomorphic chihuahuas run around Beverly Hills?”

Younghyun’s shoulders shook as he laughed. “No, you dolt. By putting myself back in my homeland. Watching old movies and TV shows helped a hell of a lot more than crying and snapping at all of my friends."

Shame burned Jae's cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

"Hey, come on now,” Younghyun tusked. “It happens to the best of us. It’s not your fault.”

That night marked one of the first times Jae allowed his walls to well and truly fall down.

 

_why am i alone?_

_among all the people surrounding me_

_why am i alone?_

_i’m all alone, i need someone_

_i need someone right now_

 

_hello, is anyone there?_

_anyone who can accept me?_

_is anyone here?_

 

Younghyun had one hell of an immune system. It was like the boy never got sick, no matter what happened. So, when Jae woke to a frazzled Sungjin coaxing soup into a Younghyun that sneezed or coughed every ten seconds, it was a bit of a surprise.

“Whoa, dude, are you sick?”

Younghyun shot Jae a glare that could melt ice. _“No,_ I am _not_ sick.”

“Yes, he is,” Sungjin ground out. “But he refuses to admit it, so I’m gonna have to spend the day trying to force medicine down his throat so he doesn’t die.” The irritation in Sungjin’s voice didn’t go unnoticed.

“Were you supposed to be at the studio today?”

Sungjin nodded, hair flopping on his forehead. “I was, but here I am, with a giant _baby.”_

Younghyun pouted and weakly punched Sungjin’s arm. “‘M not a baby.”

Jae huffed. “Yeah, you are. Don’t worry, Sung. I’ll take care of Brian. You go to the studio.”

Sungjin shot him a grateful look before pushing the bassist, who was wobbling on the balls of his feet as he tried to tuck himself further into his blanket, towards Jae. Jae intercepted him, guiding Younghyun back to his room. “Thanks, Jae-hyung. I owe you one.”

Jae shot a smile over his shoulder. “I’ll make sure to file that for later. Now,” he hummed, turning his attention back to the person next to him, “let’s get you into bed.”

Younghyun gave a big sniff. “I’m not tired.”

“Maybe not, but you _are_ sick, and you _aren’t_ gonna try and get out of this. If you don’t listen to me, I’ll just call in Wonpil.” Wonpil had a habit of going nuclear whenever members were sick, and it wasn't a fun time for anyone.

Younghyun retreated into his cocoon of fluffy warmth. “You wouldn’t.”

Jae raised an eyebrow. “Wanna bet?”

Younghyun continued to mumble under his breath, but he stopped resisting Jae’s gentle pushes. Soon, the younger was all bundled up in three blankets and his comforter, a cold towel resting on his forehead as Jae spoon-fed him a plain soup. The comfortable silence that had fallen over them was broken by Younghyun’s soft voice saying, “Thank you, Jae. For taking care of me. For putting up with me.”

Jae shrugged, trying not to let his smile bloom too wide. “It’s fine. I’d do anything for you.”

 

_come to me, without a sound_

_hold me, without a reason_

 

_why am i alone?_

_among all the people surrounding me_

_why am i alone?_

_i’m all alone, i need someone_

_i need someone right now_

 

It didn’t happen all the time. Most of the time, their fans were incredibly respectful and took photos at a decent distance. Airports aren’t typically a problem. This one, however, was.

For some reason, there was a group of rabid fans who got way too close. Two people grabbed onto Jae and Younghyun’s arms, and someone touched Dowoon's face. Security got them away before too much damage could take place, but the five of them were rattled. No one spoke on the ride to the hotel. Jae simply hugged his guitar case and stared blankly out the window until they had to get out.

They typically got three rooms: two with two beds, and one with a single. The members would play rock-paper-scissors to decide who got the single that night, but no member even mentioned their time-honored tradition. Sungjin led the way, fingers shaking as he opened what was supposed to be his and Jae’s room. All five members piled in, setting their suitcases against a wall and wordlessly getting to work by pushing the two queen beds together to form one giant bed.

Managers came to check on them an hour or so later, and didn’t even blink an eye at how the members were in a giant cuddle pile while some Marvel movie was playing on the TV. They simply reminded them of their wake-up time and left them be.

Around ten, Sungjin and Younghyun took control, helping the other three to the bathroom to brush their teeth and wash their faces. Younghyun took the maknaes while Sungjin helped Jae. He held Jae’s hair back while he gently scrubbed his face, and got him a glass of water to rinse his mouth out with.

Finally, after all five of the members were ready for bed, they filed under the blankets. Wonpil and Dowoon latched onto each other, with Dowoon on the outside and Wonpil’s arm stretched around Sungjin’s abdomen. Sungjin, being in the middle, curled his arms around Jae’s shoulders, interlocking fingers with Younghyun’s, the joined hands rubbing softly on Jae’s upper back. Younghyun glued himself to Jae’s back and whispered soft reassurances into his ear until the older fell asleep.

Yes, things like this didn’t happen often, but when they did, the five of them knew how to handle the situation, and how to handle each other.

 

_as i am keeping my silence_

_i’ve let everyone go_

_a siren rings in my head_

_i really don’t think this is right_

 

During Jae’s first stay in the hospital, the doctor had recommended him getting some daily exercise, even if it meant just walking around for ten minutes a day. It’d be easy to say that the members took that task _very_ seriously. They even talked to the managers and got it put into their schedule.

So, every day, at two o’clock in the afternoon, the five members would take a twenty minute walk around town. That day, they had their managers drive them to a market so they could do a bit of shopping as well. It was a good day for them. Jae bought everyone grilled pork skewers, Younghyun tripped while trying to dance, and Dowoon accidentally blew water out of his nose laughing too hard. The weather was gorgeous, and the five members relished the opportunity to just let loose and be the fun-loving, silly young adults they never really get the chance to be.

Of course, it stands to reason that something so good and pure wouldn’t last long.

They heard harsh coughing sounds, and the four turned their heads, expecting to see Jae with his face in his elbow, but only saw the back of his head. Behind them, on the hard ground, was a girl. Her shoulders shook as she coughed violently. Everyone in the market could see the blood splashing on the ground, dotted with yellow and orange petals.

_The girl had fallen in love with two people, and neither of them loved her back._

Bystanders rushed to help her, but the five members stayed shock still. With some help, the girl eventually stood. Her sallow cheeks were streaked with tears, eyes puffy and bloodshot. The arm a stranger was holding so gently looked more like a stick than a limb, and her clothes hung off of her skeletal frame in obvious swoops. To put it simply, the girl looked like death incarnate, crimson dripping off her chin as she spits out dual-toned petals symbolic of her fate. The same fate she shared with Jae.

Younghyun wrapped an arm around Jae’s shoulders, gently pulling him towards the manager’s van with the other three following behind. Wonpil pressed a warm hand on the small of Jae’s back, and Dowoon entangled his fingers in the fabric of Jae’s shirt, their own ways of providing comfort. Sungjin opened everyone’s doors, making sure they got in safely before instructing their manager to take them back to the dorms. The mood in the van was solemn, and the ride back was silent.

 

_as i am keeping my silence_

_i’ve let everyone go_

_oh now i got to do something_

 

The day Sungjin found out the truth, Jae refused to be in anybody else’s presence. He holed himself up in his room, banning all other members from entry. Sungjin just shrugged, promising an explanation to the other members as Jae drug him into his room. The two ended up pressed side-to-side, lying on Jae's bed while soft music played in the background.

“When did you know?” Sungjin asked.

“Know what?”

“That you were in love with Younghyun-ssi."

Jae hummed in the back of his throat. “The day we got the news about Junhyeok leaving. That’s when I figured out that my feelings for him weren’t quite platonic.”

“But that was years ago.” Sungjin began to play with Jae’s fingers, not minding the fact that they were cold and trembling.

“I know,” Jae whispered. “I asked the doctor about that.”

“And?”

“And he told me that there’s a lot of Hanahaki myths out there. The biggest one is that it manifests immediately. He called it a dormant disease. The petals don’t start appearing until years after you’ve contracted it. Your body gives you a chance to fight it off naturally before it takes full effect and you start coughing up flowers.”

Sungjin went completely still. The sound of Jae’s ceiling fan seemed far too loud in that moment. “So, you could have Hanahaki for years and not know it?”

“Yeah. Kinda messed up, but what can you do?”

Sungjin stopped playing with Jae’s fingers. “Yeah.” His voice sounded choked, pained. “What can you do.”

 

_why am i alone?_

_among all the people surrounding me_

_why am i alone?_

_i’m all alone, i need someone_

_i need someone right now_

 

Jae pulls himself from his past memories. These last couple seconds are the most precious of every concert. He’s looking across the sea of My Day faces, most of then streaked with tears as they listen in solemn silence. Jae's throat closes up, and it's not from the petals this time. He has to turn away and face his members instead.

Looking at his best friends, his family, hurts worse. Dowoon’s eyes are closed, shoulders tense. Wonpil is staring at the keys in front of him, swaying gently back and forth. Younghyun’s eyes are red and his gaze is locked on Jae. Sungjin looks like he’s in pain, eyes squeezed tight and frown on his lips as he sings the final lyrics.

 

_i need someone right now_

 

The music fades, and it's over.

 

* * *

 

Younghyun is not the smartest individual. Yes, when it comes to academics, he’s at the top of the pack, but when faced with common sense or emotions? He’s a total mess.

Case in point: Park Jaehyung, his best friend.

Park Jaehyung is a total paradox. Even on his worst days, he looks like an ancient Greek God, with tousled hair and dark eyes hidden behind thick lenses, yet he makes jokes that sound like he found them off of a thread on Reddit. His talent and skill when it comes to his guitar and his vocals are unreal, but he somehow manages to convince them that putting chocolate syrup on kimchi rice is an intelligent and worthwhile experiment (news flash: it tasted like shit). While he’s not particularly big on skinship, he has so much love and affection to give to the members and the fans. He gave that precious love to the wrong person, and now he’s paying the price.

At first, Younghyun was angry. Oh, was he furious at Jae for what he did, but he realized that he couldn’t blame the victim. He couldn’t blame _Jae._ Now, every single time he sees Jae spitting out petals, when he sees him throwing up his dinner not fifteen minutes after he’d eaten it, Younghyun feels pain like he’s never felt before.

Jae typically doesn’t get out of bed these days, more content and comfortable to curl up in a blanket with a trashcan right next to him for easy access. The most he can keep down are glasses of water and broth. Neither are enough to sustain him, and they all know that. Everyone in the world knows that Jae doesn’t have much time left.

That’s why Younghyun makes it his mission to spend as much time with his best friend as possible. Hence him asking the other members if he could have a movie night with just Jae. Wonpil had looked apprehensive when Younghyun came to the three members with that request, and Dowoon looked close to saying something, but Sungjin held them back. He agreed only on the condition that if it has to be in Jae’s bedroom, and if he got too tired or starting throwing up too much, Younghyun would leave him alone. It’s all worth it when Younghyun asks Jae what movie he wants to watch tonight with him. Jae’s face lifts, the entire room becoming that much brighter with the force of his smile.

It’s around midnight when Jae and Younghyun curl up on Jae’s bed to watch the movie on Younghyun’s laptop. The picture is small and slightly grainy, and the audio is much quieter than either of them used to watch movies with, but it’s perfect because it’s them. There’s a trash-can next to the side of Jae’s bed where he can spit out clumps of blood and petals without moving much, seeing as excessive movement causes him extreme pain. Every time Jae sits up and leans over the side of his bed, Younghyun has to look away. It’s hard for Jae to keep his coughing to a minimum so they can still hear the movie, but Younghyun can’t blame him. He’s not the one who’s dying, after all.

It still doesn’t seem real, the knowledge that Jae wouldn’t be around much anymore. Whenever he thinks about it, a knot forms in his stomach and his throat closes up. He shifts to look at the older. Despite not being one for cuddling, Jae is tucked into Younghyun’s side, his skeletal frame trembling in Younghyun’s grip. So far gone from the sarcastic spitfire that Younghyun had spent the past couple of years with.

“Jae,” Younghyun whispers.

“Yeah?” Jae turns his head from the movie, staring directly into Younghyun’s eyes. There’s a little bit of blood on the corner of his mouth.

“Do I know him?” It’s something that Younghyun has been thinking of ever since Jae got put into the hospital. There is someone in this world who is special enough to Jae that he’s willing to kill himself for them. Younghyun wanted to figure out who, and he’s pretty sure he did, seeing as Jae stiffens in his hold.

“Yes,” Jae breathes, his voice strands of cotton being pulled apart by the wind. “Do you know who it is, now?”

Younghyun shrugs. His grip on Jae’s shoulders tightens ever so slightly. “Maybe. Is it Sungjin?”

The two of them had gotten especially closer since Jae came home from the hospital. Sungjin is extremely protective over Jae, and the oldest will typically go to him for help rather than anyone else, even if one of the other members might be more accessible.

Jae’s eyes widen to what seems impossible proportions behind his glasses, and he chokes out an awkward laugh. Younghyun jolts back, eyebrows furrowing.

“No, you imbecile,” Jae says. “It’s not Sungjin.”

Younghyun feels his lips turn down into a pout. “Then who is it? I’m, like, ninety-eight percent sure it’s one of the members, but I don’t think you’d ever look towards Dowoon like that, and Wonpil causes you too much of a headache too often.”

Jae tilts his head. His gaze is soft, inquisitive. “You really don’t know, do you?”

“No, I don’t," Younghyun huffs. “Just tell me.” The tinny sounds from the movie overtake the silence between the two of them. A minute or so passes before Jae pushes himself up, taking one of Younghyun’s hands in his own.

“Brian, you’re an idiot.” Younghyun attempts a retort, jaw opening and closing without any words escaping, but Jae just holds up a finger, cutting off whatever he was attempting to do. “But it’s okay, ‘cause I’m an idiot, too.”

The next thing Younghyun is aware of is a set of lips pressing against his own.

Jae is kissing him. It tastes like blood when Jae tilts his head, flowers caught between their lips. Younghyun is too shocked to do anything, just simply existing as Jae kisses him. It’s when Jae goes limp, slipping from his position, that Younghyun realizes he needs to _do_ something. He pulls back to see Jae—funny, talented, _beautiful_ Jae—wearing a smile with petals spilling from his mouth. His eyes are closed and his chest is still.

_No._

Younghyun’s mind goes white as he lunges forward, shaking Jae’s shoulders in a desperate attempt to wake him up. He can hear himself screaming—“Dammit, Jae, you can’t fucking do this to me,”—but none of that matters. All that matters is getting Jae to open his eyes, getting his chest to move again.

Lights flood the hallway right outside Jae’s bedroom, footsteps pounding on the wooden floor before the door slams open. He can hear Dowoon's screams, Sungjin’s sobs, the fear in Wonpil’s voice as he calls for an ambulance and explains the situation.

“Jae,” Sungjin chokes out, sounding like someone punched him in the gut.

Younghyun tunes them all out, still trying to get Jae to respond. The only sign of life in the guitarist is how his body convulses, sending streams of petals and blood onto his chin and neck. There are small chunks intermixed that Younghyun would hazard to say are bits of flesh, bits from the inside of Jae’s lungs, shredded from the thorns growing in his chest. Bile rises in his throat.

Younghyun doesn’t know how long it is before there is a group of people dressed entirely in white ushering him off of the bed. He presses himself against a wall before falling onto his knees, legs far too weak to hold him up. They pick Jae up as if he didn’t weigh more than fifty kilograms—maybe he didn’t, what with how little he’d been able to keep down over the past weeks—and transfer him to a gurney.

Within minutes, the bedroom is quiet, devoid of any loud voices and any paramedics and any Jae. Younghyun is left kneeling on the floor, hands covered in Jae’s blood and the petals that Jae fought so hard against. They’re a deep blue, as if they were cut directly from a dawning night sky.

_“Did you know that blue roses are a symbol for something unattainable? Giving them to someone is basically like telling them, ‘I love you, but I know that I can’t have you.’ It’s kinda ironic, when you think about it. Roses are like the stereotypical symbol of love, yet once you color them blue, they turn into a message of regret and secrecy.”_

Jae was right, Younghyun realizes. He is an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....so.....that happened. if you'll notice, i edited the relationship tags a bit, and that'll make more sense in the epilogue. this monstrosity of a chapter is payment for the shorter one last week. the next chapter will be the official ending, but there will be an epilogue coming out, and possibly a companion story ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> thank you guys for reading, and buckle up. it's almost over. 
> 
> side note: if you hate the word "injecting," please tell me in the comments. this is a social experiment to see if i'm weird, or if my best friend is the weird one.


	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything good must come to an end

Jae hummed and tapped his fingers on the table in front of him, nodding along to the song they just recorded. They already had the songs for the rest of the album planned out, so Jae decided to go ahead and record them so that the album could be complete. The only two people left in the studio were himself and Sungjin, everyone else having gone back to the dorm. 

Younghyun had been hesitant to leave, but Jae just reassured him that he wanted some time alone to listen to the songs. Sungjin then promised to get him back in one piece, as he would be staying behind to restring his guitar in the actual recording studio so that Jae could still have his space. Younghyun relented only when Wonpil dragged him away with the allure of ice cream that they had snuck into the dorm. Sungjin nodded, and shut the door, leaving Jae as alone as he had been in months. 

Jae immediately turned the album on, and sat back to listen. It was good—of course it was, seeing as it was his group who wrote, recorded, and produced the majority of it. Their fans always said that they’ve never released a bad song, and while some of the members might refute that, Jae fully believed in that statement. He was so incredibly proud of each and every song that he had made with the other four members. Day6 was, and will continue to be, his greatest pride and joy. 

“Jae, are you okay?” 

Jae’s head shot up to see Sungjin standing in the doorway, guitar case slung over his back and worry written all over his face. “What?” 

“You’re crying.” Sungjin’s voice was soft, careful. 

Jae touched his cheeks, feeling the dampness covering his skin. “Oh. I didn’t even notice.” 

Sungjin crossed the room, taking Jae’s face in his warm hands. His thumbs wiped under his eyes, callouses rough against the tender skin. Jae instinctively reached up and covered Sungjin’s hands with his own. The two stood in silence until Sungjin retracted his hands, leaving Jae’s cheeks feeling cold. 

“What did you think of the album?” 

“I think it’s really good,” Jae said, twisting around in his chair. “Maybe our best yet. A good note to go out on.” 

“Yeah,” Sungjin murmured. “Do you mind listening to something I’ve been working on?” 

Jae shrugged. “Sure. Any lyrics?” 

“Mhmm. It’s my vocals and guitar, so kinda just the bare bones, but you can kinda get the gist of it.” Jae leaned back in his chair, and Sungjin pressed play. Soft guitar flowed over the speakers, and Jae was swept away. The lyrics carved themselves onto his heart, Sungjin’s voice piercing through all of his thoughts.  By the time the song had ended, the tears had started again. 

Sungjin shut the system down before turning back to Jae and immediately lunging forward. “Oh, shit. You’re crying again.” 

Jae’s laugh was watery as he tucked his head into Sungjin’s chest, arms trembling like leaves. “Of course I’m crying. It’s about me, isn’t it?” 

Sungjin held him close, rubbing his back soothingly. “Yeah. It’s…I want it to be the song that we come back with. So that everyone remembers that you were—still will be—with us.” 

At the confession, Jae sobbed even harder, blood mixing with the mucus dripping out of his nose as he tried to cough and cry and the same time. Sungjin didn’t even flinch. He stayed still, still comforting Jae, not even caring about the fact that his shirt would probably be ruined after this. 

“I don’t wanna leave you guys,” he hiccuped. “I don’t wanna leave the fans. I don’t wanna leave my family. I don’t wanna leave, Sungjin. I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna—“ 

“I know,” Sungjin whispered, cutting Jae off. “I know you’re scared, but you don’t have to be. You have us. We’re gonna be right there with you, every step of the way.”

“And what happens to you when I die? I don’t want you guys to be alone.” 

“We won’t be. We’ll have each other and My Day. We are going to make it through, and one day, when it’s time, we’ll join you.” 

Jae felt cold, like someone had dunked his entire body into an ice bath. “I guess I should be telling you guys goodbye soon.” 

Sungjin’s hold on Jae’s shoulders tightened to the point where it was almost painful. _“No,_ you’re shouldn’t be. This isn’t goodbye, hyung. We’re going to see each other again someday—don’t worry about us. We’re gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be okay.” 

“When?” Jae’s voice was far weaker, far more vulnerable than he ever wanted to hear himself. 

Sungjin’s was even quieter when he replied, “I don’t know, but it will be. Believing that is the only way any of us are gonna make it through this.”

 

* * *

 

Younghyun is going to throw up. 

He’s at the hospital, in the waiting room for the emergency room. It smells of antiseptic and stale coffee, two cups of which are already in Younghyun’s stomach.  Wonpil and Dowoon are curled up together on one of the love seat chairs. Dowoon hasn't spoken since they left the dorm, and Wonpil refuses to let go of him. Sungjin is on the phone with managers and higher-ups in JYP to clear Day6’s schedule for the foreseeable future in case worst comes to worst. He probably looks the most ragged out of all of them, hair mussed and eyes tired as he has to try and explain what happened without crying too much. 

There are two bodyguards placed at strategic entrances and exits, focused on keeping the boys safe, and Younghyun?  Younghyun is pacing along the edge of the room, a cup of now-cold coffee clutched in his hands.  It’s been at least two hours since Jae was rushed to this very hospital. The doctors hadn’t told them anything yet and Younghyun is three seconds away from throwing his paper cup at a wall and screaming bloody murder at the receptionists. 

All he can think about is Jae— _“Brian, you’re an idiot,”—_ the feel of his lips against Younghyun’s— _“But it’s okay,”—_ the taste of blood and petals that still lingers in his mouth— _“‘cause I’m an idiot too.”_ Younghyun hates the words that ring in his head. He hates them like Jae hates aeygo, like Wonpil hates being ignored, like Sungjin hates messes. He hates the words like he hates himself for not realizing it sooner. Jae is in love with _him._ He’s the person who Jae is killing himself for, and he didn’t even know until it might be too late. 

So, he paces. He paces and he drinks and he blames himself for killing his best friend. The only thing that gets him to stop pacing is the sound of large doors opening and a tired voice calling out, “Family of Park Jaehyung?” 

Younghyun whips around to see a middle-aged man with blue-green smocks and bare hands. He rushes over to him, right alongside the other three members. 

The doctor looks over them appraisingly. “Are you the family?” 

“We’re his band members,” Sungjin explains. “Legally, we’re his family. What’s going on?” 

The doctor nods before motioning for them to move to one side of the room. “My name is Dr. Kim. I was Jaehyung-ssi’s surgeon.” 

“Is he okay?” Dowoon asks. His eyes are wide, imploring. "When can we see him?"

“When he came in here, we diagnosed him as being in stage three of Hanahaki,” Dr. Kim says, voice steady. “Past stage two, surgery is not allowed due to the fact that it very nearly guaranteed death. The only time we perform surgery under such circumstances is if there’s an emergency, like there was just now. Once he came in, I opened his chest up and tried to remove as many of the petals as possible. At this point, my goal was to extend the amount of time you had with him, not save him.” 

“Why didn’t you try to save him?” Wonpil interrupts, voice shaking. 

Dr. Kim takes it in good stride. “Because once a patient reaches the third stage, there is no saving them. Hanahaki is a killer, and an efficient one. However, when I opened Jaehyung-ssi’s chest, there were far more flowers than I expected. His was the worst case I have ever seen to date. I tried to remove as many as I could, but thorns had already wrapped around his heart and the roots growing in his lungs had overtaken them.” 

_No._

“There was nothing more I could do. I’m sorry.” 

_No, no, no._

In the corner of his eye, Younghyun can see Wonpil turn into Dowoon’s chest, the other holding on for dear life. Dowoon takes in a shaky breath before breaking into a loud, crackling sob that he presses into Wonpil’s hair. 

“No,” Sungjin whispers, face drained of all color. He lunges forward, grabbing at the doctor’s shoulders. “You should’ve fucking done something! You should’ve saved him! You killed him! You killed Jae!” 

Their bodyguards spring into action, prying Sungjin off of the surgeon, who didn’t look at all surprised. “I know this is hard for you, but I swear, there was nothing I could do. Hanahaki doesn’t manifest in flowers until years after the patient falls in love. If someone dies, it’s because it was a last resort. Jaehyung-ssi was dying for years—this was only a matter of time.” 

Sungjin stops struggling against the bodyguards, body going limp. “No. He can't be dead. Jae can’t be dead.” He slumps to his knees, forehead pressed against the tiles.  Younghyun’s mind tells him to move, to comfort Sungjin, but his legs are stuck in the floor. All he can hear is the blood rushing in his ears, his heart thudding in his chest, telling him he’s still alive. 

He's alive, and Jae isn’t. 

He can’t breathe, as if all of the air has been sucked out of the room. He doesn’t even register that he’s moving until he feels the wind slap him, cheeks and nose pink and stinging in the bitter cold. It really shouldn’t be this cold, only being the end of October and all, but it’s fitting. There will be nothing but misery, rain and snow and thunder on this day. The sun should never shine, the moon should never rise. Nothing bright, nothing beautiful should be allowed to exist right now, because Younghyun is being torn apart from the inside out. 

Just like Jae was. 

Younghyun lost him, lost _Jae._ He deserves this pain, this feeling of worthlessness, of a bitter love that has been thrust into the fire only to emerge blackened and ruined. He is blackened, ruined, and he deserves this, because he ruined Jae, too. Jae. Brave, clever, friendly, _joyful_ Jae. Younghyun had taken something beautiful and intricate, complex and perfect, and had ruined it. It’s his fault that his best friend died believing nobody loved him.

Younghyun looks up at the sky, sees the moon, waning and dim, and crumples. His knees hit the ground, sending sharp spikes of pain racing through his legs and back, but he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t care anymore. The wind is whipping his hair, his skin becoming stiff from the constant onslaught of cold. 

That’s when he begins to cry. Tears spill down his face in an uncontrollable flood. Tears of joy, of pain, of love and hope and anger and resentment and regret. All of the emotions that he never wants to feel again pour onto the ground in front of him, patterned in haphazard dots. He tips his head back again, eyes catching on the only star in the sky. Its shine is weak, flickering, almost as if it’s holding onto the last threads of existence, of life. 

“I’m sorry,” he hiccups. The wind catches on his words, carrying them far, far away, up to that single star in the sky. 

When Younghyun screams, voice broken and weeping, the star stops shining, and the world is plunged into darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...there it is. two months later, and here we are. this is the last main chapter, but an epilogue will be released two weeks from now. it will be longer than a normal chapter and should wrap up all the lingering threads. i hope you guys stay with me at least for that. 
> 
> there is the possibility for a companion story to emerge if you guys want it. many of you have already caught on that something is going on with sungjin (sharp eyes), so if you guys are interested in seeing a companion story of sungjin's perspective, please leave me a comment. 
> 
> thank you so much for reading this story--i hope i did you guys proud--and for all the support you've given me. it's meant a lot. keep an eye out for the epilogue!


	10. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "time doesn't heal all wounds. it just makes the pain easier to live with."

**[Breaking]** **JYP Announces That DAY6’s Jae Has Passed Away**

A couple of hours ago, JYP announced that DAY6’s Jae (25) has passed away in a statement posted to their Twitter account, alongside the official DAY6 account. 

“Early in the morning on October 25th, Jae was rushed to the hospital due to complications in his condition,” the agency explained. “A couple of hours after being released from emergency surgery, he, unfortunately, passed.”

A couple of months ago, Jae had revealed to the world that he had contracted Hanahaki disease through a video posted to his YouTube channel, JaeSix. He expressed his desire to not receive surgery to remove the flowers, as well as choosing to keep the identity of the one he was in love with a secret. 

Fans have been speculating since early morning about whether or not something was going on with the five-member group, after pictures of fellow DAY6 member, Young K, crying outside of a local hospital swept the internet. 

As of now, there has been no concrete news on the state of DAY6 in the future. The same statement that announced Jae’s passing also mentioned that the now four-member band will be on a hiatus until further notice, but many are theorizing that the group will disband permanently due to the loss of their lead guitarist/vocalist. However, nothing is confirmed.

JYP has stated that Jae’s funeral will be held discreetly and quietly for friends and family, and they ask that fans and netizens refrain from spreading rumors or theories about Jae. 

 

* * *

Eulogies are hard to write. 

It’s funny, really, considering they’re basically an ode to a person you loved, but you weren’t required to rhyme. It should be easy, in theory. There were—still are—so many things to love about Jae, and yet, it’s all Younghyun can do not to crumple up the blank piece of paper in front of him and throw it away. 

Whenever he sits down to write lyrics, they just seem to erupt from his fingers, but when it’s his best friend? He can’t put the right words to anything he’s feeling. Granted, his lyrics typically took a couple of weeks to make perfect, and the group only had three days to write the paragraphs they were going to share at Jae’s funeral, but it still felt like excuses.  The other three had finished theirs in hours. Pages and pages of the best of Park Jaehyung, stories and anecdotes designed to try and convey just the type of amazing person Jae was. And here Younghyun was, hunched over at their living room desk at 2:38 in the morning, staring at what should be a fucking thesis dedicated to one of the best people he’s ever known. 

That’s where Sungjin finds him when he wakes up, forehead resting on his arms as he attempts to sleep for a few hours. Getting their tuxes on is a blur. They’re not used to dressing so formally without some sort of makeup or hair stylists rushing them around afterwards or during. It feels weird to take so little time to get ready. None of them fix their hair or dab on any sort of makeup. They don’t want to feel fake. 

A simple black car takes them to the church. No one speaks on the ride, everyone focused outside the window. They’d told all of their fans that the actual service would be private, but that Jae had wanted everyone who could to be at his procession so that they had the chance to mourn him with others who felt the same. Even in death, Jae was thinking for everyone else besides himself. 

Hundreds of fans line the main streets they take to the church, holding up posters and flowers and pictures of Jae.  It’s eerily silent, as all the My Days don’t talk or scream. They simply exist with each other, mourning the loss of someone they dearly loved. There’s comfort in numbers. 

By the time they arrive to the church, Younghyun’s had to choke back tears more than once. Bodyguards and managers meet them there, solemn-faced as they guide the four members through the mass of media stations clumped in front of the church doors. 

There are people milling around, everyone wearing copious amounts of black. Jae’s family sits at the very front of the church, with the four members being seated right behind them. Younghyun recognizes a couple of familiar faces as they trudge to their seats: Jimin, Matthew, Woosung, Eric, Jaebeom, Jihyo.  On some base level, he knew that Jae was loved dearly, but seeing everyone there, living proof, is too much. The tears break free, and Sungjin pulls Younghyun closer. 

At the end of the aisle they’re walking along lies a sleek casket. The top is propped open, showcasing the pale yellow silk lining the shining oak. Even from tens of feet away, Younghyun can see the tips of Jae’s glasses, the poof of his blonde hair poking up from where he is situated. Just seeing that is almost enough for him to run out of the church sobbing, but he grits his teeth and follows his members.  With each step they take, Younghyun feels his feet get heavier and heavier, his eyes stinging something awful until they’re finally at the front. 

And there he is. His eyes are closed, his face is slightly tanner than his neck, and his fingers are puffy and interlocked over his stomach. He looks almost exactly like he did before he got sick. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Younghyun knows that this Jae isn’t exactly the one they used to have. He knows that they must’ve put something into his stomach to make it not seem emaciated, that they had to have stuffed cotton into his cheeks so that he wouldn’t look so gaunt, that the lips that had pressed against his not even a week ago are sewn shut and cold as ice. 

Logically, Younghyun knows that the body lying before him isn’t Jae. Sure, it looks like Jae, and the outfit they’d picked out screams Jae’s style, but it isn’t _Jae._

_Jae_ is all puns and laughs, cheeks pink and pulled tight to show off his teeth. 

_Jae_ is unseen wisdom and late-night philosophical discussions over slightly stale popcorn. 

_J_ _ae_ is guitars and lyrics and a voice sweeter than honey when he croons into the mic. 

_Jae_ is life, bright and beautiful and exuberant to the highest degree he could reach. 

The body that lies in the casket before Younghyun might’ve once been a Jae, but it sure as hell wasn’t _his Jae_. His Jae is gone, lost. 

A thud brings Younghyun’s attention back. Dowoon’s on his knees, white knuckles fixed around the edge of the open casket, forehead pressed against the wood as his shoulders heave up and down. 

The sobs spilling from his mouth are heart-wrenching. “Why did you have to do it, hyung? Why couldn’t you stay? Why did you have to die?” 

Through his own tears, Wonpil pulls the youngest to his feet and guides his face into his shoulder, holding him as they cry together. Sungjin helps to move the four to their seats, but Younghyun doesn’t miss the last few looks he steals at the casket, doesn’t miss the longing and agony in his eyes. 

Younghyun thought he’d already been through hell and back. However, this pain, this loss is a new kind of damnation. One that he caused, that he was to blame for.

 

* * *

**DAY6**

@day6official

_DAY6 Official twitter_

**_36_ ** _Following_ **_1M_ ** _Followers_

 

[Pinned Tweet]

**DAY6** _@day6official_ • 2h

[New JaeSix Video]

The leader of DAY6, Sungjin, takes to YouTube to explain the current situation of DAY6 and answer questions about Jae. 

**7,063** _replies_ **50.9K** _retweets_ **106.3K** _likes_

 

            **#EveryDayForJae** 😭 _@jaesunbriwondow_ • 1h

            i think its good that theyre goin on a hiatus. they need a break

            **0** _replies_ **2** _retweets_ **19** _likes_

 

             **#JaeSixForever #EveryDayForJae /// WE MISS YOU** _@shutupyourebrian_ • 1hr

            I honestly don’t think they’re gonna continue without Jae. I'm pretty sure they’re gonna  disband. I mean, can they really 

            come back from this?

 **37** _replies_ **81** _retweets_ **115** _likes_  

 

**Vanehhhssa | #StayStrongMyDays** _@blckpnk &rdvlvt_ • 48m

                        other groups have lost members and continued. you should be supporting them instead of

                        hating on them because they’re gonna need all the help they can get.

 **0** _replies_ **44** _retweets_ **231** _likes_

 

 **Tyler bruh** _@lovemesometyedie_ • 17m

                        what about ladies’ code? wanted? monday kidz? m.street? there have been other idols groups who made it through. don’t be a dick.

 **1** _reply_ **67** _retweets_ **180** _likes_

 

             **KPOOP FUCKING SUCKS** _@kpoopsucks_ • 1hr

            Ha . serves em right . he deserve to die bcuz of his shitty kpoop

             **89** _replies_ **35** _retweets_ **72** _likes_

 

                         **#EveryDayForJae** _@p!nksweater_ • 1hr

                        SHUT THE FUCK UP

                        **0** _replies_ **6** _retweets_ **13** _likes_

 

                         **k y l e** _@letsgobro_ • 54m

                        so true dude lol

**24** _replies_ **2** _retweets_ **0** _likes_

 

                         **JAE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS HATE #JaeSixForever** _@sungjinsteponme_ • 40m

                        how fucked up does your mind have to be for you to come onto posts like this

                        and say all of that shit? a human being is dead and you’re making fun of his 

                        music? fuck you

                        **3** _replies_ **15** _retweets_ **38** _likes_

 

* * *

 

 

Younghyun knows that he’s been an asshole, but he doesn’t care. Wonpil grieves by hiding under his covers and blasting the saddest songs he has at full volumes with his headphones. Dowoon has moved into the living room, only stays in the dorm to eat meals, and comes back each night with bruised palms, bloody fingers, and broken drumsticks. Younghyun can’t even remember the last time that Sungjin stepped a foot into their dorm room, their leader choosing instead to drown himself in coffee and work. 

And Younghyun? Well, Younghyun grieves by shoving everyone else away and saying nothing but biting insults and scathing remarks. He’s pretty firmly stuck on the “anger” level of the Kübler-Ross model, but can anyone really blame him? He watched his best friend almost die in his arms, after finding out that he was the reason Jae was dying in the first place.  I f Younghyun had just been more observant, then he would’ve noticed that Jae was in love with him.  If Younghyun had been just a little bit smarter, then he could’ve saved Jae before he went downhill.  If Younghyun had loved Jae just a little more, then he would still be alive.  So many hypotheses that can never be tested. All of these questions that have no exact answer, because the only person who can answer them is a cold shell buried beneath the ground. 

So, yeah, Younghyun is a bit upset, and his grieving process of choice is to be a complete and utter dick to everyone around him. Looking back on it, it’s not the best idea he’s ever had, considering it’s led to him staring down with Sungjin in the studio. One of their managers asked Younghyun to go check on the leader because no one had seen him in two days. 

After rolling his eyes and giving the proper response of, “Fuck off. I’m not his keeper, but since you can’t do your job, I might as well,” Younghyun trudged off to the studios. Truthfully, he’d been avoiding them. Too many memories that he’s not strong enough to deal with at this moment in time. Force of habit leads his feet directly to his own room—his “brooding” room, as Wonpil liked to call it—where he wrote lyrics. 

Right next door would be Sungjin’s, which Younghyun walks into without knocking. The older is exactly where Younghyun expected him to be—hunched over in front of a computer on full brightness, five empty coffee cups scattered around on the desk. He jerks up at the sound of the door opening, turning around slowly to see Younghyun standing in the doorway. His eyes dim and he scowls a little bit, flipping his head back around to face the computer. Of all of the members, Younghyun has been the shittiest to Sungjin. He never meant to be, but every single time he gets near him, he’s constantly reminded of how Sungjin was the first person to find out Jae’s secret. How whenever Jae was scared or tired or puking up petals, he would go to Sungjin. 

How Sungjin seemed to take Jae’s death far harder than losing a friend. 

Younghyun scoffs and closes the door behind him, moving to sit on the small couch along one side of the room. He chooses to ignore the folded blanket on top of a pillow sat next to him. “Managers are looking for you. You might wanna come out of this room once in a while.” 

“What’s it to you?” Sungjin’s voice is raspy, like a bike over gravel. 

“Just wanted to let you know that if you really wanna see Jae again, starvation isn’t the quickest way you could’ve chosen.” 

Sungjin slams his fists on his keyboard, forcing Younghyun to look up. “Dammit, Younghyun!” He whips around in his chair, shoulders shaking and face twisted up in utter rage. “Shut the fuck up! Don’t you _ever_ talk about him like that again!” 

Something ugly burns in Younghyun’s throat. 

“Or what, Sungjin?” he spits. “Huh? You’ll punch me? You’ll report me? Or maybe you’ll actually be fucking leader and not fucking starve yourself in a studio?” 

Sungjin’s eyes flash. “You are the last person who gets to comment on how I’m living my life.” 

A maniacal laugh bubbles in Younghyun’s chest, pulling him forward until his elbows are on his knees and his forehead is in his hands. _“What_ life, Sungjin? What kind of fucking _life_ are you living? Dowoon sleeps on the couch with bloody hands! Wonpil just sits on his bed and cries all fucking day long!” 

At this point, Younghyun is on his feet, towering over Sungjin. “You’re our leader, and you don’t even know how shitty the maknaes are. They’re falling apart, Sungjin, and you’re not doing shit to help them. You’re in here, starving yourself while the people that need you are alone.” 

Slowly, Sungjin stands up, fists clenched. “You do _not_ get to say all that shit, Younghyun. You’re worse than I am! You’re a fucking asshole to everyone, including the maknaes! You’re treating everyone like shit and you don’t even care. Why is it that you’re justified in ruining your life while I’m the one being selfish?” 

“Because I’m the one who deserves to have my life ruined,” Younghyun says. “I’m the one who killed Jae.” 

Sungjin shoves him away with shaking palms. “No, you didn’t. You didn’t know. Jae chose to die. The flowers killed him.” 

The sob that breaks from Younghyun’s chest is equal parts disbelief and sorrow. “I’m the one who gave him the flowers in the first place! He was in love with me, and I was too much of a fucking idiot to realize it. If I had known—“ 

“You couldn’t have saved him.” This time, Sungjin is much quieter. 

“Yes, I could have. I could’ve loved him the way he loved me. We had months before he died.” 

“You only loved him as a friend.” 

The tears on Younghyun’s face feel warm as they drip from his eyes. “I could’ve learned!” 

“No, you couldn't have.” 

“I _should've_  learned. Instead, I let him die right in front of me. I asked him who it was, and he called me an idiot. He kissed me and fainted in my arms. He died because I didn’t love him the way he wanted, the way he deserved. I killed him, Sungjin.” 

“You can't force yourself to love someone you don’t,” Sungjin whispers, broken. 

Younghyun looks up from the ground, meeting Sungjin’s teary gaze. “For him, I could have.” 

Sungjin shakes his head, grabbing one of the coffee cups from his desk and pushing it out for Younghyun to look into. “No, you couldn’t’ve. Trust me, Younghyun. I know.” 

The cup is filled with flower petals. They’re white, lined and speckled with a blood red. Some are full and damp, while others are smaller with jagged tears. Fear climbs into Younghyun’s throat, blocking the words itching to come out. 

“ They’re striped carnations,” Sungjin says into the silence. “Pretty recognizable. They mean ‘wish I could be with you,’ ‘sorry I can’t be with you,’ or just plain refusal.” 

“How long?” Younghyun croaks, lifting his head to meet Sungjin’s eyes. 

“Sixty to seventy years.” At Younghyun’s look of obvious confusion, Sungjin gives him a sad little smile. “The flowers can’t really sustain once the person you love is gone. Kinda defeats the entire purpose. I asked around, and there shouldn’t be any new ones growing. Just the old ones dispelling from my lungs.” 

The puzzle pieces click in Younghyun’s brain. “Jae. You were in love with Jae.” 

“Yeah.” Sungjin puts the cup back onto his desk. “Still am. That’s why I’ve been in here. I didn’t want you guys to see the petals.” 

Younghyun stumbles back onto the couch, putting his head in his hands. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” 

The space next to him fills with a warmth, a hand making it’s way onto his shoulder. “No one did. Not even Jae. But you see what I mean? You can’t force yourself to love someone when you don’t love them that way. All it would’ve done is cause more sorrow. If Jae had chosen to tell you, you would’ve done your damndest to love him back, and when he still died, it would have killed you, too. Jae didn’t want to tell you because he knew you would blame yourself even more than you’re already doing. It’s no one’s fault that Jae is gone, Younghyun. Right now, all we can do honor him by staying together. By doing what he sacrificed his life to let us do.” 

Something primal breaks in Younghyun’s chest. His body folds, collapsing onto the ground, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“I’m so sorry,” he cries. 

Sungjin lays across his back, rubbing his shoulders and shushing him. “It’s okay, Younghyun. It’s okay. You can cry.” 

And cry Younghyun does. 

He cries until he has nothing left in him, screams into the shabby carpet until his voice can’t take it anymore. Sungjin stays with him throughout it all, donating his own sobs and hiccups. When they don’t have anything left in them, they leave. They go back to the dorm and gather the maknaes. They all eat together (Sungjin barely touches his rice and Wonpil throws half of his meal up right after). Every blanket, pillow, and plushie in their dorm (save for the ones in Jae’s room) are collected and thrown into the living room where the four of them burrow into. They find a marathon of some American show and crank the volume. That’s where they fall asleep, wrapped up in each other while characters drone on in English. 

It’s not a lot, but for now, it’s enough.

 

* * *

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**DAY6**

_Trending with: #EveryDayForJae, #JaeSixForever, #DAY6MemorialConcert_

 

             **#StayStrongDAY6 — your mydays are here for you** _@doughwoon_ • 33m

            Memorial Concert - 13 Nov 7:00 pm KST

            For international My Days and for people who can’t attend, it is being recorded and will

            be uploaded on JaeSix, subtitled in as many languages as they can manage

            #DAY6MemorialConcert

 **12** _replies_ **731** _retweets_ **2,648** _likes_

 

**♡** **데이식스♡** _@bobthebuilding_ • 15m

            in case anyones bitchin about jyp charging for tickets, pls remember that the money is

            going to a hanahaki surgery fund for people who cant afford the surgery

 

            the boys said it was their decision too so shut up #DAY6MemorialConcert

 **125** _replies_ **7,087** _retweets_ **19.4K** _likes_

 

             **i miss jae** _@Im_from_Canadia_ • 4m

            i don’t know how i’m gonna make it through the concert without bawling my eyes out 

            😖 #DAY6MemorialConcert

**3** _replies_ **223** _retweets_ **907** _likes_

 

             **kristal | #EveryDayForJae** _@skissorsforall_ • 20m

            how are they gonna do jae’s parts? are they just gonna leave them silent or what?

            i hope they don’t sing over them #DAY6MemorialConcert

             **29** _replies_ **309** _retweets_ **1,065** _likes_

 

* * *

 

 The concert, surprisingly, is a lot easier to do than Younghyun had originally thought. He figured that none of them would be able to get through any of their songs without crying, and yet, here they still are. They’ve played each one of their songs, starting from the very beginning when they still had Junhyeok. Whenever Jae’s part came up, the spotlight would fix on Jae’s corner, where a microphone stand and his guitar were set up. A blue rose was tied around the neck of the instrument. No one sang his parts—they created all new backing tracks so that Jae’s recorded voice would play over the speakers. 

On the main screen behind them, pictures and videos of Jae would flash up according to the song. _Colors_ had pictures that were all tinted red or pink. _Hunt_ featured some of the goofiest moments of his they were able to capture on camera. _I Smile_ and _Dance Dance_ showed just that: Jae smiling and dancing to his heart’s content. _When You Love Someone_ showed Jae either right before he got sick or a little after. The videos tied with _I Need Somebody_ were the hardest to watch. They were all of Jae, on stage, in his element, so taken with performing that he blocked out the rest of the world. 

After all the songs and the tears and the memories, the crowd is silent, watching as Sungjin takes a deep breath and presses his lips to the microphone. “To everyone who was able to make it here, thank you. To everyone who is watching this on YouTube or some other platform, thank you. To everyone who had ever supported Day6 and Jae-hyung, thank you.” 

The audience clapped and cheered for a bit before Sungjin silenced them again. “A couple of months ago, Jae came to us as a group and laid out the plans he had for his memorial. He was very specific that he wanted a final concert that would be accessible to My Days all around the world, hence why it’s going to be uploaded later. On top of that, he wanted a secondary way for everyone to be able to mourn in a public space together. So, three days from now, on November 15th, at 7:00 p.m. KST, we want all My Days all around the world to light a candle. Whether you light it in your home or you join with other My Days around you is up to you. All we ask is that you take a picture and post it on social media, with the tag ‘Lights For Jae’.” 

“Please allow us to clarify,” Wonpil says, fixing his own microphone stand. “We aren’t doing this to garner popularity for Day6. We aren’t doing this for publicity or to see if we can start trending. We’re doing this for Jae, to show him and everyone else what exactly he meant to us. Please don’t think this is a marketing scheme—we just want My Days to be able to mourn together.” 

Sungjin nods, turning his attention back forward. “We’ve come to the end of the concert, but we have one more song to play for you. This song is very special, because it’s the last one that Jae was able to record. Plus, he’s the inspiration for the lyrics. Thank you for grieving and singing with us today. This song is called _Falling.”_

No one speaks as the beginning notes croon from the speakers, the other four following suit with their own parts. 

 

_the word “hope floats there_

_the future that i have built with you_

 

_at some point has collapsed_

 

As Jae’s voice flits over the speakers, Younghyun can hear someone cry out in the distance. And he can’t blame them. Knowing what this song is about, knowing that it was Jae’s last, it hurts something awful. 

Before their debut, Younghyun had submitted over a hundred songs, all of them being rejected because they didn’t have the sound JYP wanted for them. Not for the debut, anyways. Every day that Younghyun went back to the dorms after a meeting with the CEO showed his shoulders slumping more and more. At one point, he’d wanted to give up. Just throw in the towel, give JYP an ultimatum: they debut with this, or he walks. 

Jae had been the one to talk him out of it, staying up with him as he cried into the morning. He had been the one to reassure him that his songs were fantastic, and that the CEO just wanted to make sure that their debut was the best one he’d put forward yet. Plus, the idol life was tough. This was just another way of training in the disappointment department. It was Jae who encouraged him to put his bitterness and anger down into words. After he’d read the lyrics he had produced from his feelings, Jae looked up from the page with tears in his eyes and gripped Younghyun’s forearm. 

“We’re gonna debut, Brian,” he had whispered, voice filled with awe. “I can tell. This is it.” 

And it had been. _Congratulations_ was unlike anything he’d ever written before, but it was exactly what JYP was looking for. Their first recording session was surreal—everyone was beyond giddy, and they had to do far too many takes as the would get carried away with their inflection or their instrument. 

It was perfect. 

 

_everything’s falling, falling_

_all of it is crashing_

_falling down on met_

_that was the only thing left in my hands_

 

Younghyun wonders if the audience are really listening to the lyrics, or if they’re honestly paying attention to Jae’s vocals. If they were, then they’d be able to hear the strain in his voice. They’d be able to visualize Jae’s last recording session: frail as a porcelain doll, weighing no more than forty kilograms soaking wet, headphones fixed over greasy hair, cracked lips pressed against the microphone as he sings what’s left of his heart out. 

Younghyun can see it perfectly, and he wishes he couldn’t.

 

_everything’s falling, falling_

_all of it is crashing_

_know it’s ‘cause of me_

_i’m wandering alone in the darkness_

_just like this_

 

Thinking back on it, Younghyun can tell exactly when Jae realized he had Hanahaki. That night he had stayed back from a stomach ache, and when they came home, he was buried in his bed, refusing to talk to anyone for a full day. It puts a lot into perspective. Jae put a lot into perspective the second he kissed Younghyun.  Within a couple of seconds, Younghyun started questioning everything he ever knew. Who was Jae? Who was Younghyun? Did Jae really love Younghyun? Did Younghyun love Jae? Could he have learned? 

Honestly, even though Sungjin insists he couldn’t’ve, Younghyun has no idea whether or not he could’ve taught himself to love Jae. He hasn’t been in that many relationships, despite what their fans might think based on his lyrics. In fact, his members are the people he’s been the closest to in his entire life, not counting his family. And Jae was his closest companion of his closest friends. Their managers used to joke that the group was peas in a pod—you don’t get one without the others. They were a unit, a family.  Younghyun doesn't know when they'll feel that way again.

 

_in that place, we set fire_

_warmed the walls with stories like_

_how we’d build this roof so high_

_like all kids do_

 

Sometimes, Younghyun wishes he’d tried to love Jae, tried to save him. At the same time, he knows that if he had truly tried and honestly failed, then he would’ve followed Jae to the grave. 

He would have followed Jae anywhere.

 

_from the sparks of flame at that time_

 

_everything’s falling, falling_

_all of it is crashing_

_falling down on me_

_that was the only thing left in my hands_

 

Wonpil is crying in the back, face unabashedly bared as the tears fall on his cheeks. There’s eyeliner streaking down his face, and he’s missed more notes and lines tonight than ever before, but no one can blame him. 

Dowoon had kept his head down for the majority of the show, but whenever Jae sings in the most mournful voice anyone’s ever heard, he lifts his face. The look of grief and pure hollowness in his eyes is haunting. 

Sungjin is sitting on a stool, too weary to stand. He hasn’t gotten a full-nights sleep since the hospital, and Younghyun’s overheard managers talk about how they might have to put him on some sort of sleeping aid. 

What about Younghyun? He’s seconds away from breaking.

 

_everything’s falling, falling_

_all of it is crashing_

_know it’s ‘cause of me_

_i’m wandering alone in the darkness_

_just like this_

 

_just like this_

 

He loses himself, in the melody, in the lyrics. In the My Days shining their flashlights. In his other members. In his memories. He doesn’t have any more lines for the rest of the song, so he steps back. He tips his head to the ceiling and closes his eyes. Just for a minute, he lets himself drift into nothingness, forsaking everything that’s plaguing him or weighing him down. 

For a split second, he’s floating, existing, and he swears he can see Jae’s smile out of the corner of his eyes.

 

_i sang and shouted towards you_

_but it can’t reach your closed heart_

_feel nothing on the other side_

 

Then his body is dropping, plunging through the darkness that lies beneath him. He’s free-falling through nothing and through everything. All he is, all he ever was, is crumbling and blowing away, and nothing has ever felt so right.

 

_everything’s fallen, fallen_

_all of is burned_

_and fallen down on me_

_buried in the ashes_

 

_everything’s fallen, fallen_

_all of it is dust_

_i know it’s ‘cause of me_

_till the end of time, i will picture those bygone days_

_to live on_

 

In the blink of an eye, Younghyun is back on the stage, staring out at the mass of people all crying and singing. He’s where he needs to be, even if it’s not with everyone he wants to be with. 

He’ll be okay—they all will—eventually.

 

_to live on_

 

* * *

  

**Home**

 

**DAY6** _@day6official_ • 11m

감사합니다 #LightsForJae

 

**3,940** _replies_ **8,815** _retweets_ **47.5K** _likes_

 

**#LightsForJae** _@dibidibidisman_ • 6m

i wish i could do more for someone who changed my life so completely. there are no words in this world that are enough to mourn your loss properly. in the end, all i can do is make sure you are not forgotten. thank you, park jaehyung, for everything you did. #LightsForJae

 

 

**3,940** _replies_ **8,815** _retweets_ **47.5K** _likes_

 

**gabe /// #JaeSixForever** _@untoldinvictus_ • 1m

five candles for the five lights of my life. rest in peace, park jaehyung. we will always miss and love you. #LightsForJae

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a weird kind of familiar, seeing the faces of his other members in the studio. The four of them haven’t been together in here since before Jae passed. It almost gives Younghyun the feeling of a school reunion, one where not everyone has been able to attend. But, they’re not here to reminisce—they’re here to talk. 

Dowoon is the first one to speak. “I don’t wanna disband.” Everyone looks to him, his shoulders and jaw set. “It’s gonna be really fucking hard, but I don’t wanna lose you guys. I _can’t._ Not after Jae.” 

“I agree,” Sungjin says, voice soft. “I think Day6 can continue, but we do need to think about the logistics. When Junhyeok left, we still had Wonpil, but we need two guitars, especially since most of us are vocalists as well.” 

“I could learn guitar,” Wonpil interjects. “We could have the synth recorded and play it with the backing tracks.” 

Sungjin turns to look at him. “But do you want to learn guitar? I remember you once saying that you’d rather eat your shoe than quit playing piano.” 

Wonpil shrugs. “We don’t have Jae anymore. Things have changed.” 

“I can do it.” All heads swivel to face Younghyun. “Sungjin-hyung is right. We need two guitarists. If we have anyone new join as the lead guitarist, My Days will revolt. If we have anyone stand in during concerts, My Days will revolt. If I switch to lead and we find someone to stand in for bass, then no one will be offended.” 

Silence overtakes the group.  Sungjin opens his mouth to say something, but Dowoon cuts in. “I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t want someone to stand in, and I sure as well don’t want anyone to take Jae’s place on stage. What if Sungjin-hyung just records both parts, and we play the lead or the rhythm over the backing track depending on which part hyung wants to play?” 

“That…could work,” Sungjin says slowly, but Younghyun can see the relief in his eyes. 

He feels the corners of his lips twitch up. “And if hyung gets too bogged down, I can always pick up a couple of recordings too. It doesn’t just have to be on you.” 

Sungjin nods, a small grin playing on his lips. “It’s a deal.” 

“Now that we know what we’re gonna do, what about comebacks?” Wonpil asks, fingers toying with the hem of his shirt. “Personally, I need some more time.” 

Younghyun clears his throat. “I think we all do. I don’t think we have to talk about this right now. Maybe we can meet with management sometime in the new year and discuss it then?”  Everyone nods in agreement. The atmosphere around them has become almost warm, like there’s something—or someone—there protecting them. 

Younghyun sticks his right hand out, in the middle of everyone. “We can do this. It’s gonna be hard, but we can do this. For Jae.”  Dowoon’s hand covers his, with Wonpil’s grasping onto Dowoon’s. Lastly, Sungjin places his own hand on top, fingernails bitten to the stump. 

It’s with one voice that they all sing, mourn, and promise: “For Jae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...it's over. 
> 
> i know i promised two weeks, but life caught up with me, and it ended up being two months. i had major writers' block for a good chunk of that time. every time i looked at my doc, i didn't feel anything. around the end of june, i revamped all of my ideas for the epilogue and became a lot more inspired. the product of that is what you see here today. 
> 
> i'm really proud of this little fic. it's the first chaptered fic that i've actually finished, so that's something. plus, i've really enjoyed writing in this type of style. this fic has some of my favorite quotes to date. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who followed me throughout this journey, and i'll see you later when i decide to write sungjin's perspective ;)
> 
> (also i got a twitter so if you wanna follow me there i'll post updates about all my stories)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/booklover_86)  
> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/book-lover860)

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my like third attempt at a chaptered fic. it will be updated on mondays, for however long it takes me to finish it. 
> 
> if you hate me for how i end something, come yell at me on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/book-lover860).
> 
> please take care reading this, as it will be dealing heavily with gore and vomiting. if either of those cause you problems, please do not read. 
> 
> thank you for reading, and i look forward to seeing y'all next monday.


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